tatjna (tatjna) wrote,

The great Facebook marriage experiment, Part 3

Yesterday Facebook started showing me ads to get my jewellery valued. I can kind of understand this. As a dead grandmother, it's important for me to know the value of my estate when deciding whether or not to leave it to my granddaughter.

However, I realised that I was tired of being dead, and old. So I thought I'd shake things up a bit. First, I grandchild-divorced tieke, who hadn't brought me any of her drawings or asked me for advice about boys in ages. Then I moved from Scott Base, Antarctica to Black Dog, England. Then I became a man, and then I got engaged.

To start off with, I didn't name any names for my fiance, because last time I did that, concerned emails started arriving from people's mothers. But it didn't take long for a volunteer to emerge. So now I'm engaged to plantgirl. The wedding's tomorrow, and she's been busily making preparations. As the man, I have naturally been hanging back being a lazy arse motherfucker as society dictates I should, and letting her get on with it. I did like the suggestion of pink chainmail for the flower girls though...

So anyway, since becoming a man, my ads have changed. One of the first I was shown was a picture of a skinny man hugging a fat woman, with the caption "You wouldn't believe what she looks like now!" and a link to a stomach stapling surgery. To which I was somewhat agog. I wasn't shown that as a woman, but now I'm engaged I'm being shown stomach stapling ads for my fiance??? Eek. Another man on my list confirmed that he also sees this ad. I am not sure who else sees it, but I didn't see it as a single woman, a woman married to another woman, or as a dead grandmother.

Now, Facebook is showing me ads for smartphones, television, and travel. And still the jewellery valuing one. I can only assume that I'm supposed to know the value of the rock I just bought for plantgirl, in case she gives it back in a fit of pique at my insistence on staying in England after the wedding.

Speaking of which, I'm pretty sure the Facebook ad selection algorithm takes into account your IP, because despite having shifted hemispheres twice, it's still showing me ads for shows in Auckland, and for thermal underwear. I think maybe it's decided I'm a tourist in NZ because I'm logging in from here. And the second I said that, my ads changed. Now I'm looking at sunglasses and trips to Norfolk Island. Yep, definitely a tourist.

Since plantgirl may very well explode with excitement if we muck around, I figured a whirlwind wedding would be a good idea. I suspect the honeymoon will be over fairly quickly, but you never know - it might be a match made in heaven. She tells me she's very excited about how Facebook is advertising children's stuff to her now, because she never thought we'd have kids so soon. Clearly she hasn't got to the Mummy Tummy yet. That'll be after the wedding then.

And how does Dr Wheel feel about all this? Well, he was philosophical about missing out yet again due to his absence in foreign climes, but I was pleased to see plantgirl extending an olive branch to him by inviting him to our wedding. His response:

"I'll join, but I'll be the bitter ex that gets too drunk and makes a scene at the reception. I'll make a speech that's more embarrassing for me than for anyone else, and then try and sleep with the bridesmaids."

Reasons to love Dr Wheel #594.
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