tatjna (tatjna) wrote,

In which I whine some

So last night for the warmup for training, we played Stuck In The Mud. You know that game where one person is 'it' and they have to tag other people, who then have to stand still until someone else crawls between their legs to free them? Yeah, that game. Only, we didn't really play it, because of me.

I got picked first up to be 'it' because apparently I was looking cold and miserable. Yes, Wellington has spectacularly turned on autumn by rolling in a southerly storm for us. Last night I got wet going home, it was like 10 degrees, and I was cold, if not miserable. So the coach, in his infinite wisdom, decided it'd do me good to run around being 'it'.

Then two things happened in quick succession. First, there's a guy in the class who's a bit of a Trevor. What I mean by that is that he seems to have inflated ideas of himself (here I admit freely I don't know him well and this could just be my kiwiness shining through - he's American), and on a couple of occasions I've noticed him saying things that seem designed to put down other people. And he started dancing around in front of me going "You can't catch me!"

He was right, I couldn't. He's quicker than me and I know it. So I refused to chase him.

And then I realised that I didn't actually want to chase anyone. As a long term shepherd, I know that chasing is the most ineffective way to catch your sheep, and that if they are already running when you grab them you're likely to get dragged face first through the mud. I have learned through bitter experience that in a catching situation, you're better off to wait until everything's settled, nobody's moving and they've all bunched up, then suddenly grab the one that's most restricted without warning.

This is not an effective tactic for Stuck In The Mud, but it's what I instinctively do.

These two things combined meant that I totally ruined the game through not being willing to play. Sorry guys, chasey isn't really my thing, and especially chasey where I know I won't be achieving any catchey. It just feels like an exercise in futile humiliation.

Also, I don't like being singled out, and unfortunately something that happened last week has centralised this issue for me. This also happened during the warmup. We were doing handstandy things, and our trainer decided that correcting my form in front of the class was the order of the day. Normally I'm ok with my form being corrected, but on this occasion there were a couple of things that made it not ideal for anyone concerned.

1. I was trying to favour my elbow which is not handling handstands at all. I've only just started doing this and haven't had a chance to learn to compensate for it.
2. It was the warm up - I thought our focus was trying to warm up, not do the perfect handstand, so I wasn't really trying.
3. He singled me out. In front of everyone.

As you can imagine, this did not go well. He started by telling me everything I was doing wrong, and I tried to explain about favouring my elbow and how I could tell that was affecting me, but he talked over the top of me and then it turned into something where everyone was looking because they'd finished and he was still telling me stuff I already knew but couldn't fix right then and there and I felt humiliated and stupid. Which made me feel angry. And then he got sarcastic, and Trevor Guy put his spoke in, and it wasn't.fun.

Thing is, I enjoy adagio. Mostly it's fun. I feel like my partner and I have been doing it long enough so we're getting some stuff together that works. I work hard in class and take it a lot more seriously than my general demeanour would suggest - I deflect a lot by joking around and being self-effacing about it, but the fact is I REALLY REALLY want to do well at it, and consequently feeling as if I'm not doing well is .. difficult. Being told I'm not doing well in front of a bunch of other people? Yeah, my attitude takes a turn for the Oh God No Tats. I know this. It's been like that all my life, and while I'm better than I used to be and can snap out of it once it's over, I still don't deal well with being singled out for public criticism.

I suppose one approach to that is to tell me to put on my big girl panties and deal with it. Another would be to actually listen when I say I dislike being singled out and just not do it. I'm not sure which is best.

This isn't enough to stop me going to training, but it is enough to make me now approach the warm up section of class with trepidation. The actual training part is not a problem - trying things repeatedly and having my technique criticised is what I signed up for. But during the warmup, I'm trying to get into a training headspace from a completely different one, and the things that have happened the last couple of weeks have been not conducive to a smooth transition. I am trying to work out ways to avoid this type of thing happening every week - all I want is to be left alone to get on with my warmup so that I can focus on the important part, which is the training itself. But I get the feeling that's not how this coach operates, and he certainly hasn't worked that out about me yet, despite this being the 5th or 6th class I've done with him.

I don't want it to become a thing. I like adagio too much to let it stop me. But it is kind of hard to be enthusiastic about class when the warmup feels like an ordeal I have to get through before I can do the fun stuff, eh?

tl;dr - Oh get over yourself Tats.

Meanwhile, today is a historic day. Today, the New York Times published an article outlining the result of the first study of therapeutic LSD since it was banned in the 1960s. In the study, terminal patients were administered two guided doses of LSD, two weeks apart (in conjunction with ongoing therapy sessions), as a treatment for end-of-life anxiety. The results have been very promising. While not conclusive, this study could pave the way for more comprehensive work - as one of the researchers says, it's kind of like proof of concept.

And people everywhere who've used LSD go "Well duh." Such a shame the mythology around LSD has prevented its study for so long. So great that taboo is finally being broken.
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