Australia wants to kill everybody - Tactical Ninja
Jul. 1st, 2013
11:25 am - Australia wants to kill everybody
So as it turns out, we didn't go to Brisbane after all - we were actually in Surfer's Paradise, which consists entirely of skyscrapers and beach. So we headed inland and went for a bush walk in a place called Tamborine Mountain. Tamborine Mountain is full of very strange little galleries selling very strange kitsch. Everything from adult-themed fudge to angel and crystal stuff, to slightly anatomically-wrong paintings of horses and.. diecast model cars? Uhh..
So anyway, we went for a bush walk. It was raining but not cold, and the track was muddy. Happy was wearing these shoes:
which will become relevant later.
Seems everything in Australia is very obviously part of a food chain. The bush we were in was rainforest and consisted of palms and large trees that look like they should be in World of Warcraft. Vis:
These ones were relatively unscathed, but throughout the walk we kept encountering parasite trees that would be growing up the other trees and slowly killing them, eventually completely surrounding them and... digesting them?
So we're walking along and I'm thinking how much this all feels like Skyrim and half-pie expecting bandits to drop suddenly out of the trees and start attacking us, when rivet goes "What's that?"
And we looked, and it was a heart. Like, an actual heart, with bits of lungs still attached, about 3-4 hours old (old? uh) and about the size of one that might come from a medium sized dog.
A FUCKING HEART. ON THE GROUND. IN OUR BUSH WALK.
At this point movie tension music started to play in the background. Best guess is we disturbed some small carnivore in the act of carting off wallaby parts, or maybe a bird of prey dropped it, but naturally, we came to the conclusion that it was zombies, and started looking for the exit.
When we came to the sign that said a different thing from the map and decided that we knew better than either, was when we realised we were setting ourselves up for one of those really bad horror movie endings.
When a (potentially zombie) wallaby burst from the bushes right under our feet and hooned off at high speed through the undergrowth, we started to be very pleased we hadn't separated and weren't wearing lingerie, because we all know how that turns out.
When we got out of the bush and thought we were safe, and then Happy found alien looking critters with suckers on their bums, stuck onto the rubber between his toes and trying to burrow through his shoes and eat his flesh, was when we decided that perhaps the beach and the skyscrapers might be a better option, just a thought, can we go now please?
Turns out they were leeches:
FUCKING LEECHES. JESUS H CHRIST.
Luckily for rivet and me, Happy is clearly much tastier, and more accessible. He had three, we had none. Except the phantom ones you get when you've just witnessed someone pull three FUCKING LEECHES from between their toes. Argh.
So, um, yes. When they say that the idea that Australia wants to kill you is a myth, they are lying.