Meanwhile, last night was the YoT's school ball. Him and two of his friends got all swished up at our house and off they went. Sadly, that's all I have to share - they were coy about pictures but they did look very nice. Oh god I sound like my Mum. But they did! My giant offspring in a suit with a tie and being all.. flash-looking! It was neat. *squish*
Yesterday I reverted to my mince and ice-cream eating habits. In the interest of acknowledging this, I need to admit it to myself and everyone else. So: yesterday I ate 1.2 litres of jelly tip ice cream and 300g of mince. That's a lot of ice cream. And a lot of mince.
There were a few contributing factors to this but I think it's relevant that yesterday is the first time since I've been doing this logging thing that my 'mood' log dropped to the blah line, and today it's dropped below the line.
What I reckon is happening here is that I binged cos I wasn't feeling good, and the fact of having done it makes me feel even less good without taking away the thing that made me feel not-good in the first place. Thus, low mood becomes lower mood.
What it didn't have anything to do with is my normal eating habits. I haven't been hungry, or craving, or weak, tired - any of the things that 'dieters' say they feel. I don't think what I'm doing is dieting particularly, it's more just healthy eating. Until last night.
But what I have identified is that feeling bad makes me want to eat shitty food and lots of it.
"Oh wow Tats, what a revelation!"
I'm sure Freud would have lots to say about that in terms of having a deathwish or whatever, but I'm happy realising the association between low mood and bingeing for me - because my general demeanour is cheerful, so when I get back to feeling good I doubt I'll have any trouble getting back to eating healthy. So instead of berating myself for having a binge, I'm going to work on getting back to feeling like my usual self.
I got another congratulations letter from the University. It was nice. I wish they'd say "Congratulations, here's how you graduate."
Also, the talk was really good. A lot of it was not new information for me, but it was validating to see that some of the experts are thinking about the same things I am, considering the same issues, and coming to the same conclusions. I asked a question. I think I kept the quaver out of my voice - the two people I want to supervise my postgrad were there and I was nervous about feeling silly in front of them. Since when did I care about this?
Who the hell are you and what have you done with Tats?