I'm going to. You may point and laugh at me now if you like, but I'm actually starting to enjoy it.
Anyway, I had a total of 24 hours free and clear before I hurt myself again, this time being silly on a trapeze. I don't think I pulled anything - I certainly didn't feel any sudden-onset pain - but on Saturday evening I couldn't really use the arm and it still hurts a bit today.
I have been trying to tell myself there isn't a problem.
The problem is, it's getting harder to tell myself that.
The thing is, this isn't the first time my left shoulder's given me difficulties. The frightening part is that all that stuff with OsteoDude didn't show up any issues - he says I have full movement of the arm and nobody would be able to lift the weights I'm lifting if there was something wrong in there. But he doesn't live in my head or understand the number of things I've willed myself into doing that 'nobody' should be able to do.
What I do know, is that my shoulders are lopsided. I will take a photo at some point to demonstrate. I pointed this out to OsteoDude and he said this is fairly normal, especially with people who've fallen off horses a lot, and shouldn't cause me any problems. But it isn't just the look of them that's lopsided. It's also the strength. That side is weaker.
"Oh yes, that's normal, you're right handed right?"
Well, yes I am. Which means that when I'm doing stuff like shearing, I'm holding 60kg of struggling sheep with my left arm while holding 5kg of handpiece with my right. So I'm not convinced the strong arm is always necessarily the one you favour, you know?
Also, when we do open shoulder rotation exercises against the wall in handbalancing, it's my left shoulder that has all the clicks and non-smooth movement. It's that one that twinges after doing minute-handstand drills. And it's that one that gives out first when I'm doing dumbell presses to failure. Always.
And after dangling about on a trapeze on Saturday, it's that one that has caused me pain (not muscular pain, joint pain) for two days. The other one is completely fine.
This leads me to believe that maybe there is something wrong in there. I'm worried because a) I don't want to be broken and b) if there's something wrong, OsteoDude should have picked it up. Yes, I do have full movement. Yes, I can press my own bodyweight over my head (once!). And when I do super-demanding stuff with it, my left shoulder always hurts in a frightening way, which after a day or two travels to my neck. This doesn't seem normal to me and I did tell him this, but he was convinced that OOS was the underlying problem. Maybe it was, but this shoulder thing is not OOS and now I don't know what to do.
I could wait for it to settle down and carry on as normal - after all, up until Saturday I had a clean bill of health for a whole 24 hours!
But I'm afraid that if I do that, I'll end up not being able to use it at all and then I'll have to do one-armed handstands and then that shoulder will crap out too and then I'll have to take up Irish dancing or something. Also, I like being able to be silly on a trapeze when I feel like it.
Fuck you, body.
tl;dr Angsting about a potential shoulder injury that I've been pretending wasn't there and that OsteoDude didn't pick up.
Meanwhile, Wellington is doing its best to pretend it's spring. I like this warm business, and the quality of the light has changed enough to make me go "Yay spring!" And apparently our essays are marked and note my restraint in not going to get mine within 5 minutes of finding out. First time ever, and mostly because I'm not expecting a good mark but also partly because I.. just don't care all that much.
I guess I should be thankful I managed to care for as long as I did. Maybe if I get a better mark than expected I'll start caring again?