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In which I give the world what I want back - Tactical Ninja

Jun. 22nd, 2012

09:10 am - In which I give the world what I want back

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Last night I was informed that the guy who played Robin in the Batman television series from the 1970s, Burt Ward, had gone on to be a porn star. This morning I looked it up. It seems nothing could be further from the truth - the Boy Wonder has spent his retirement acting in straight-to-TV movies and rescuing Great Danes.

Robin was the first recipient of my emerging heterosexual complex feelings when I was too young to feel sexual but felt something about certain boys that I didn't feel about girls. Along with Kevin Brophy who was the main actor in Lucan. Which now I look back, was wall-to-wall cheese - but to 8 year old me, was the height of epic fantasy. Really. But, you know, it was the 70s, and the 70s also brought us these pants:

So we can probably all be forgiven for having a warped idea of what's tasteful and good, right?

People think I'm clever but I'm not. I'm pretty simple. I notice this in my responses to instances of human interaction, where my initial response is X and then other people respond and I find myself thinking how much more appropriate their response was than mine, and how I wish I'd thought of that instead of what I did think of. I don't think I'm particularly broken or anything, just that my emotional thinking lacks depth. I suspect I'm also a bit egotistical and narcissistic. After all, most of my blog posts are rambling about myself - what I think, feel, do and say is clearly very important to me, important enough to broadcast it to the universe as if everyone else should give a crap.

"So what, Tats? This is totally not news." No, it isn't. And I know that these traits have an upside as well. One of the upsides of being narcissistic and lacking in instant depth (I can be deep, I just have to work at it and things churn slowly so it takes time for me to get where other people get instantly) is confidence - especially the confidence to do things like wearing crazy outfits and assuming you won't be laughed at (and you don't get laughed at because you can pull it off because you're confident), and to keep writing bollocks about the minutiae of your life as if it's as fascinating to others as it is to yourself (bonus being other people do find it interesting - at least some of the time - because of the confidence and lack of apology with which you put it out there).

I'm also pretty open and direct. I have no secrets other than those which would affect other people if I revealed them, and I prefer to say what I think rather than beat around the bush. Again, this is because I'm simple. I find it hard to do the kind of thinking required to be evasive, indirect, or secretive. I don't want to have to remember what I said to who, and if people know everything about how I tick they're much more likely to treat me in ways I can deal with - they know my soft spots and what's likely to get a rise and etc etc and blah blah.

Because it's all about me, yeah?

Nah. Thing is, being open and direct and confident in combination with being a bit of a control freak (hello, OCD!) means that I'm also a bit of a know-it-all and tend to occasionally go over the top. I don't like being wrong, because it means that I don't know something and if I don't have all the information, how can I make good decisions? *loop back to the bit where i'm simple* I don't like guessing, I've worked very hard at being good at working things out without complete information but I'd rather just know all the facts. So being wrong is confidence-knocking. I like to be right.

Over the top know-it-all with a narcissistic streak who is open and direct and doesn't like to be wrong and occasionally takes it too far.

I know this about myself. This is the thing - I'm aware.

Lately I've been getting indirect messages from various places that I'm doing this again and that I should pull my head in. It's probably right, when I examine my behaviour lately I see that. But here's the thing. I don't do well with indirect messages. Complete information, right? I'm only guessing that this is the feeling, and the guessing is making me question myself and that puts me in this place where I don't know what's going on but I sense something is not right and I blame myself. This can rapidly turn into a downward spiral of self-flagellation, and I end up having a self-pity party and learn nothing.

So, a request. I'm a big girl. Like I said up there, I'm pretty aware of my character flaws, and I'm trying to work on finding the right balance between confidence and humility so that I can keep giving my gift to the world without becoming a wanker, and keep a lid on the worst of it without becoming a hermit who never leaves the house. I don't like being criticised but I can take it, and being told directly that "You are doing X and when you do X I feel Y and please pull your head in" is much clearer and easier criticism to face than walking around feeling like there's something you've done wrong but you're not sure and if there is something you don't know what it is. You know?

Anyway, this is not a post fishing for people to tell me I'm smart and clever and all those good things. What I want is to let you all know that it's ok to tell me directly if I'm being a wanker but please make it clear what behaviour is causing this so I can actually do something about it. I don't care if you do it here or f2f.

Meanwhile, yes I am going to pull my head in some, because that seems like the appropriate response.


Lalala, well I feel better!


[User Picture]
Date:June 21st, 2012 11:52 pm (UTC)
That's hard. I'm a bit similar as far as the narcissistic, self-absorbed bits go. It's one of the things I like about you, actually. You push you out to the front and give me this instantly easy to interact with unit. I don't have to go fishing.

So, I also get what you're saying as far as "please to be direct when having issues with me." If I can't or won't change them, it'd be better to know that up front. If I can and will change them, then I certainly won't without someone telling me there's issues.

Hmm. Here's hoping your fishing is successful.
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[User Picture]
Date:June 22nd, 2012 12:16 am (UTC)
I hear you on wanting direct feedback. It can be hard sometimes, but at least I know what the specific issue is & I'm not trying to adjust all sorts of things that may or may not be at all relevant to the problem.

Good luck!
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[User Picture]
Date:June 22nd, 2012 12:56 am (UTC)
you know i believe HotJames had a pair of those pants, which i got into but discovered that they were made completely from polyester, in the not breathing way O.O so i got out of them.. *sniggers*

do be do

so not a porn star then.. i might be a bit pleased about that especially as there are great dane rescue involved instead!

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[User Picture]
Date:June 22nd, 2012 01:41 am (UTC)
"You are doing X and when you do X I feel Y and please pull your head in" is much clearer and easier criticism to face than walking around feeling like there's something you've done wrong but you're not sure and if there is something you don't know what it is. " Dunno if it is relevant/useful/comparitive/contrasting - I've been getting a large amount of that for a while now. I suspect it is because I have behaved rudely, or have been seen as rude, whereas for me I have been unable to handle interacting with too many people at once, and can't stand when I am trying people much due to a whole lot of shit going on related to withdrawing from nicotine and trying to chop down on alcohol, and resultant emotional instability and anxiety. I had thought I had been getting it from you actually, and I recall you called me a snob a few weeks ago. not sure if that is in relation to having trouble talking to you, or in relation to me ignoring other people, or if that was a result of not showing up to the kiwiburn event, when i didn't even know it was on until i bumped into polly in the street on the preceding friday, and was already booked to go to the countryside that weekend, and avoided fidels due to tiredness and all, and me + Gal went home. I am tired of having to actually, literally, shout to be a participant in conversations, and i have had a few people force themselves on me when I was trying to be self-contained, and ok if i need to be self contained i'll fuck off home, thing is as i was told a while ago you show up to places when there is someone you want to hang out with, you don't avoid places because there is someone you don't want to hang out with. but what do you do if the someone or someones just won't fucking leave you alone?

so as a shy person, if i think that i have done some thing for which i am being "socially criticised", and yet i am not quite sure what, then i will withdraw even further and perhaps be perceived as being even more rude, or I'll continue to go where I go as though nothign is wrong and be preceived as being even more brazen and crass. And let's face it, nobody in this fucking town will actually TELL YOU TO YOUR FACE. you just get the silent treatment, and a gradual freezing out, and a cold shoulder, which in the end is a complete and utter denial of your dignity as a human being, and is in fact cowardly and clannish.

further to this, there have been experiences a while ago which were not particularly pleasant to go through and wellington is a goddam fucking small village. so because nobody says things to your face, nor do you get the chance to say things to theirs, and they make their minds up about something based on what someone else whispered behind a hand.

so as noted above, perhaps your fishing expedition has a whale as bycatch.

Edited at 2012-06-22 01:42 am (UTC)
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[User Picture]
Date:June 22nd, 2012 01:47 am (UTC)
*shrug* I called you a snob as a joke because you didn't go to the KB party thing. I didn't mean it as mean and I'm sorry if it came across that way. FYI, if I have an issue, I will tell you to your face, and it'll be in a "Hey, this" kind of way, not as an offhand comment or a snark.

Having said that, I've never had an issue with you. You're a grumpy fucker, I like you anyway because you're honest and direct and you've always done right by me. You've been less available and harder to talk to lately but hey, this is the first time I've known you in a relationship and people tend to change when they meet someone.

I have no clue what the other stuff is about because I'm socially ignorant.
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[User Picture]
Date:June 22nd, 2012 02:08 am (UTC)
Burt Ward was my first crush and my Robin my invisible friend when I was 3 or 4.
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[User Picture]
Date:June 22nd, 2012 03:57 am (UTC)
I dunno, I can't imagine you being internet-mean.
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[User Picture]
Date:June 22nd, 2012 04:01 am (UTC)
I have not noticed any wanker behaviour of late, but will feel free to mention it if i do.

Also, Great Danes are awesome, so Burt Ward is awesome by extension. There's one who lives in my neighbourhood who's unaltered, i.e. no ear cropping or tail docking. He only looks vaguely like a Great Dane because he doesn't have the customary body mods, but he's a total love sponge when we meet.
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(Deleted comment)
[User Picture]
Date:June 22nd, 2012 09:37 am (UTC)
Make you a deal. I'll continue to tell you if you're being a pain (which, you're not, by the way) and you continue to do the same to me and we'll both be happily validated and realise we enjoy each others company.

...you do enjoy my company, right? Right? Oh, god, I'm doing it again noooooooo
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[User Picture]
Date:June 24th, 2012 12:28 am (UTC)
I'm the kind of direct person who really appreciates your directness and all the other stuff you mention, so I can't helpfully tell you to pull your head in to avoid offending easily offended people, because I'm the type of person who likes you just the way you are. Sorry :P
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