In which I give the world what I want back - Tactical Ninja
Jun. 22nd, 2012
09:10 am - In which I give the world what I want back
Last night I was informed that the guy who played Robin in the Batman television series from the 1970s, Burt Ward, had gone on to be a porn star. This morning I looked it up. It seems nothing could be further from the truth - the Boy Wonder has spent his retirement acting in straight-to-TV movies and rescuing Great Danes.
Robin was the first recipient of my emerging heterosexual complex feelings when I was too young to feel sexual but felt something about certain boys that I didn't feel about girls. Along with Kevin Brophy who was the main actor in Lucan. Which now I look back, was wall-to-wall cheese - but to 8 year old me, was the height of epic fantasy. Really. But, you know, it was the 70s, and the 70s also brought us these pants:
So we can probably all be forgiven for having a warped idea of what's tasteful and good, right?
People think I'm clever but I'm not. I'm pretty simple. I notice this in my responses to instances of human interaction, where my initial response is X and then other people respond and I find myself thinking how much more appropriate their response was than mine, and how I wish I'd thought of that instead of what I did think of. I don't think I'm particularly broken or anything, just that my emotional thinking lacks depth. I suspect I'm also a bit egotistical and narcissistic. After all, most of my blog posts are rambling about myself - what I think, feel, do and say is clearly very important to me, important enough to broadcast it to the universe as if everyone else should give a crap.
"So what, Tats? This is totally not news." No, it isn't. And I know that these traits have an upside as well. One of the upsides of being narcissistic and lacking in instant depth (I can be deep, I just have to work at it and things churn slowly so it takes time for me to get where other people get instantly) is confidence - especially the confidence to do things like wearing crazy outfits and assuming you won't be laughed at (and you don't get laughed at because you can pull it off because you're confident), and to keep writing bollocks about the minutiae of your life as if it's as fascinating to others as it is to yourself (bonus being other people do find it interesting - at least some of the time - because of the confidence and lack of apology with which you put it out there).
I'm also pretty open and direct. I have no secrets other than those which would affect other people if I revealed them, and I prefer to say what I think rather than beat around the bush. Again, this is because I'm simple. I find it hard to do the kind of thinking required to be evasive, indirect, or secretive. I don't want to have to remember what I said to who, and if people know everything about how I tick they're much more likely to treat me in ways I can deal with - they know my soft spots and what's likely to get a rise and etc etc and blah blah.
Because it's all about me, yeah?
Nah. Thing is, being open and direct and confident in combination with being a bit of a control freak (hello, OCD!) means that I'm also a bit of a know-it-all and tend to occasionally go over the top. I don't like being wrong, because it means that I don't know something and if I don't have all the information, how can I make good decisions? *loop back to the bit where i'm simple* I don't like guessing, I've worked very hard at being good at working things out without complete information but I'd rather just know all the facts. So being wrong is confidence-knocking. I like to be right.
Over the top know-it-all with a narcissistic streak who is open and direct and doesn't like to be wrong and occasionally takes it too far.
I know this about myself. This is the thing - I'm aware.
Lately I've been getting indirect messages from various places that I'm doing this again and that I should pull my head in. It's probably right, when I examine my behaviour lately I see that. But here's the thing. I don't do well with indirect messages. Complete information, right? I'm only guessing that this is the feeling, and the guessing is making me question myself and that puts me in this place where I don't know what's going on but I sense something is not right and I blame myself. This can rapidly turn into a downward spiral of self-flagellation, and I end up having a self-pity party and learn nothing.
So, a request. I'm a big girl. Like I said up there, I'm pretty aware of my character flaws, and I'm trying to work on finding the right balance between confidence and humility so that I can keep giving my gift to the world without becoming a wanker, and keep a lid on the worst of it without becoming a hermit who never leaves the house. I don't like being criticised but I can take it, and being told directly that "You are doing X and when you do X I feel Y and please pull your head in" is much clearer and easier criticism to face than walking around feeling like there's something you've done wrong but you're not sure and if there is something you don't know what it is. You know?
Anyway, this is not a post fishing for people to tell me I'm smart and clever and all those good things. What I want is to let you all know that it's ok to tell me directly if I'm being a wanker but please make it clear what behaviour is causing this so I can actually do something about it. I don't care if you do it here or f2f.
Meanwhile, yes I am going to pull my head in some, because that seems like the appropriate response.
Lalala, well I feel better!