tatjna (tatjna) wrote,

More than you ever wanted to know about my sexuality

Y'see, I really struggle with the idea that anyone should have to label their sexuality "I am X" and stay with that for the rest of their lives. I understand this viewpoint is a bit fraught because it leaves the door open for certain people to assume that if sexuality is fluid then all homosexuals should be able to 'turn hetero' at will.

Frankly, I think that's a bollocks argument based in bigotry, I don't see why a fluid sexuality should only go from homo- to hetero- as if hetero- is the only 'right' one. Given the number of sexualities that seem to exist on the spectrum, that argument defies logic and for a moment I'd like to pretend those people don't exist and that we live in a world where nobody's going to take who you like to bonk and use it to make judgements about who you are as a person. And right here I'd like to acknowledge my privilege in being mostly hetero- identified, which allows me to talk about my sexuality without consequence.

Mostly-hetero is how I've identified for a long time. I like guys. Guys are awesome and when I come over all *RAWR* it's over a guy 99% of the time. But every now and then I go *RAWR* over a girl.

This is nothing unusual, I'm pretty sure plenty of other women also go *RAWR* over girls. We are all (not just men) trained to look at women and see them as sexual from day one, and so when I see a particularly attractive woman it stands to reason that sex will enter my head. And occasionally I get a huge crush on a girl - you know, where you think she's beautiful and awesome and wonderful and want to spend all your time with her and like looking at her lips or hips or hair and want to touch it? Yeah? That happens. And then I think of myself as less hetero. I've had sexual encounters with other women, and enjoyed them.

Some people would say this makes me bisexual, right? But the thing is, last time I developed a girlcrush, it was on a woman who is a lesbian, and while I was all dreamy over her I was also aware that I am mostly into guys and thus actually doing something about my crush could be an inconsiderate thing to do (assuming that my feelings were reciprocated). And someone said something to me about that time that has stuck with me:

"You think she's wonderful and like looking at her and want to spend all your time with her. But do you want to tear her clothes off and fuck her?"

And it got me thinking - because when I have boycrushes, that is one of the primary thoughts I have. With girls, it's different. The sexual thoughts are still there, but they come behind a whole bunch of other things. Now, when lesbians I know talk about women, they tend to talk about them in a way that leads me to believe that they think about women the way I think about guys. That makes complete sense. But I don't think about women that way so I feel it's not right to describe myself as bisexual. More like bi-attractual (I can so make up words) - I am attracted to people based on things other than gender, and attraction and sex are linked, so it's easy to assume attraction means wanting to shag. And in the case of situations where I feel this kind of attraction for someone, if the opportunity to shag comes up and everything else* is cool, I'd be up for it - but I don't pursue these opportunities with women the way I would with men, and sex isn't the same sort of drive, more of a side effect. There's a difference between "I would" and "I want to" or "I will." Does that make sense?

* Emotions, primary/other relationships, consent, etc

Anyway, this came up because there's a woman in my class who I find absolutely compelling. There is something about the way she looks and moves that makes me go *PHWOAR*. It's been quite a while since this has happened, maybe a couple of years? These days, I'm a bit faster at working through my feelings. Put bluntly, I picture myself going down on her. Does this turn me on? The answer, in this case, is no. Thus, I figure my attraction to this person is something other than sexual and even if I were free to I wouldn't do anything about it. But jeez I would love to tell her how beautiful she is.

So I figure I'm still mostly hetero. But it does make life quite exciting when you never know who's going to float your boat next, eh?
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