In which I throw people around and inspect my navel - Tactical Ninja
Jun. 28th, 2011
09:48 am - In which I throw people around and inspect my navel
Last night while I was lying in bed in my post-adagio happyfuzzyhaze, I realised that when I live in the middle of town I'll be able to go skating again. That is, I'll be able to go skating without it being a drama involving a car/parking or public transport to get to somewhere I can skate.
I used to skate regularly - little known fact, Wellington had a Wednesday Night Skate for a few years - and I drove in from Titahi Bay for it. When I lived in Ngaio I'd skate to work on the nice days. I still have my Salomons and a shiny new set of abec 5s that I never bothered putting in because commute-skating wrecks your bearings and I wanted to save them for rec skating. Watch me faceplant when I change them! Watch me remember that I used to skate stairs and faceplant some more!
But yes, this is only one of a number of Take Back My Life type things that being central will make easier.
In a conversation yesterday I realised how long my life's been on hold. I mean yes, I have been doing things, serious things - getting a degree, furthering my career, even the occasional trip to foreign shores! But what of the other things - the ones I do just for the hell of it, that make my life My Life? Things I haven't done for a long time that I used to get a huge kick out of include:
It wasn't really any one thing but a combination of factors that caused these to fall by the wayside. But I'd be lying if I said Mum's illness wasn't a big part of it. Knowing that someone you love is terminally ill has more than just the impact of knowing you'll lose them - you also have the thing where you might have to rush them off to hospital at any moment, and the thing where you want to spend what time you have with them, and the thing where, much as you hate to admit it to yourself - never mind anyone else - you let things slide because you need your time and headspace for coping, all the while knowing that you are waiting for them to die.
The things that are easiest to let slide are not the big things. It's much easier to let go of your weekly climbing date, or to say no to going to a dance party because you are too tired/don't have time/don't feel up to it/are visiting your Mum. But it's the small things that build together to make a big life, and bring incremental joy in a sustainable way. One big festival a year does not bring the same type of joy as a small string of enjoyable nights out dancing.
It's the little things that I let go of until I had not a lot left of the foundation of my life. Even though Mum was as independent as she could be right till the very end, I still chose to sacrifice my small things in favour of 'looking after' her (and looking after me through it all). Three years is a long time to be not doing the small stuff while stringing yourself from one Big Thing to the next with nothing in between and pretending everything is normal.
So when I recently posted about feeling flat, it set in motion a thought process that led to the realisation that the little things are important and it's time I did something about reclaiming them. This is forcing me to try and remember what brought me joy in small ways, and it's kind of like when someone asked me "What do you want?" and I couldn't answer - I've subsumed my own needs in favour of the other things that needed my attention, and kind of forgotten what they were.
On July 11th it will be a year since Mum died. We have sold her house and that chapter is over. There are times when I miss her like whoah, but I'm coming to terms with being an orphan and I feel that there's plenty in me to keep her memory alive. And it's time I started living my life again. It seems that forcing myself through the barrier to buying property has started a process and things are popping up, like the skating. I haven't thought about skating for ages, and suddenly last night I was all "Hey, imagine being able to just put my skates on and go! Wow, awesome!"
I'm sure more will come. A lovely friend scored $1 lift passes for a bunch of us from one of those daily coupon sites. I'm pretty sure if I tried hard enough I could save the gas/backpacker/hire-charges to go and spend a weekend boarding this winter. There's a weekly bouldering thing getting off the ground. Before moving I have to sort my gear out because I'm moving to an apartment and it's an opportunity to unload some stuff - but I'm keeping my skates, my board, my snowblades, my harness..
I want to Do My Thing again. I think I'm coming back. It's about bloody time.
Last night I lifted Taryn, who is 55kgish, onto both shoulders quite easily. We did a couple of crotch-in-face* type counterbalance moves. I came close to managing a headstand-to-handstand press, and did some nifty weight shifting moves from headstand. The last class is next week and I DEFINITELY want to keep it up. Bodyplay is fun and I am made for this stuff!
(and I learned the left-hand lift moves going against my natural flow with the hoop. progress is awesome and i feel achieve-ey)
* I've come to the conclusion that pretty much all adagio involves crotch-in-face at some point.