tatjna (tatjna) wrote,


I really hate it when my phone rings and I go to grab it and push the wrong button and it cuts the other person off, and they don't call back. Don't they realise I HAVE TO KNOW? Especially when I'm waiting for a call from the nice IRD lady, the one that's actually trying to help me. Oddly enough, I got the stuff she sent me in the mail, but I have yet to receive anything from the department informing me of anything. Not impressed, IRD, not impressed.

Anyway, on to more important things. HAPPY BIRTHDAY ferrouswheel! You are now lots of things, including a happy number, a perfect number, and a Stormer number. Also, you share a birthday with Thora Birch and the Ford XE Falcon. Che bro.

So if you happen to see Dr Wheel in your travels today, please give him a big hug (he's nice to hug).

Or not.

Last night we watched a soft porn video called Illicit Sins. It's so well-known that it doesn't have an imdb entry. Well, it does - but that doesn't contain any info. Here's some for the utterly fascinated.

Some backstory - I live in a suburb that's pretty clean cut, whitebread, mainstream and family-friendly. I like living there, it's quiet and the neighbours are nice. The supermarket lists wasabi peas as 'exotic food' and the video shop doesn't have an adult section. So we were surprised to find a supposedly sexy video on the shelf. Surprised enough to go "We have to know!" and hire it. And last night we watched it.

It's easy to see why it was on the shelf - it's soft porn. What that seems to mean is that you don't see any unobscured bits. It's obvious what they are doing, but you don't actually see anything. An unfortunate artefact of this is that there's an extreme focus on breasts. More on that later.

Anyway, the basic plot is two people about to get married have conversations with a couple they know, in which the couple regales them with tales of infidelity, frigidity and mismatched kinks* that have plagued the marriages of people they know - complete with cut-scenes of said people being unfaithful, frigid and mismatched in a pretty softcore way with lots of breasts. Later, the about-to-be-newlyweds have a fight about their sudden doubts, and the other couple set out to fix it with tales of fantastic sex between other couples they know (more cut scenes), including fantasy-fulfilment, date nights, and strip-aerobics. Yes, you read that right, strip-aerobics. Then everything is all better and the movie closes on the happy couple bonking.

So yeah, typical porn 'plot'.

I was going to do good points and bad points here, but to be honest there weren't that many good points. This movie is a perfect example of porn that is designed to appeal to women, but is made by men. So what you get is a toned-down version of hardcore porn in which the woman is still the object, but it's in softer focus with more care taken to the setting. I should be fair and say that this movie focuses on women being pleasured rather than just fucked, that it depicts oral sex on women, and the men are much better looking and of more realistic and aesthetically pleasing build than in generic porn. Also, the lack of focus on close-ups of bonking means that the shooting is more 'artistic' - except in this case the three-angles-per-ten-seconds formula is more offputting than titillating. The music seemed to have been contributed almost entirely by Enigma from their little known first album Music For SoftCore Porn Films, with a guest appearance from Sade's saxophonist. Which is better than BOW-CHICKA-BOW-WOW but still Cheesy As Fuck.

Now, most of you know a little about my objection to the sexualisation of women's breasts. And in this movie, because it was soft porn and couldn't really show anything, there was a LOT of focus on breasts - which isn't really something I'm all that interested in. I mean, I like breasts well enough, but a whole movie focused on breast close-ups is not any kind of appealing to me, and it also was a very in-your-face expression of the way breasts are sexualised. And it really didn't help that all of the models except one had had implants. Other big flags to the fact that this was made by men - hot girl-on-girl scenes, with no reciprocal boy-on-boy ones. The sex was ALL slow and over-romanticised. The women always got naked first, and most of the sex scenes focused on the woman (ie, 80% of camera-time was on her body). And of course there was the bit in the storyline where the man, after hearing the Tales Of Woe, doubted his commitment because he didn't know if he could handle only ever having sex with one woman, whereas the woman was afraid she'd get bored with sex and become frigid and he'd leave her.


And WTF was with the woman in her 30s who kept popping up as a voyeur in the cut-scenes?

It wasn't that erotic to be honest, for either of us. The boob jobs were offputting, the sex lacked passion, and we were distracted by the fact that the producers expected us to not notice that it was the same group of about 6 actors playing the 8 different couples. In fact, the only scene I found remotely erotic was a scene that involved a shaving brush being run all over a woman's body - but then they wrecked it by having the actor suck her nipples which were still covered in shaving foam, and I went "Oh that's gotta taste bad."

We found ourselves fast-forwarding the sex scenes to get to the talking bits. I believe that speaks for itself in terms of just how exciting they were to watch.

Dear male porn directors, no. Just no. This is not what porn for women should look like. Yes to the actors being not all bodybuilderFabio, yes to the women being pleasured, yes to the care around costuming and setting, yes to the actors kissing. No to the cheesy music, no to the Breast-O-Rama, no to making men eat shaving foam, no to the insults to our intelligence. And can we have men touching each other and some real boobs please? And how about 50/50 camera time for female/male bodies? And you know, it's ok for women to have pubic hair, we don't mind. Oh yeah, and it'd help a lot if the couples actually looked like they were enjoying themselves. And people do talk and laugh during sex too. And we are ok with seeing the cock, you don't have to hide it completely.

PS sometimes men take their clothes off first.

* This movie's idea of kink-that-was-too-much was when the husband attempted to tie the wife's ankle to a chair. She was horrified. OK-kink involved said husband then going to a prostitute and fucking her while she was blindfolded. The other kink scene showed a woman tied and blindfolded while the man played with ice on her nipples, but he untied her before they had sex. Yep, was pretty hardcore alright. *cough* Please note that the woman was in the submissive position in each of these scenes, and the man was always the protagonist. Dear directors, um.. no.

One day I'll see a porn movie made to include the tastes of women and it actually will. I hold out hope, which is one of the reasons I keep subjecting myself to these things. I occasionally have success - The Story of O hit the mark for me (hello, intelligent plot and realistic depiction of how people might behave in such situations), as does quite a lot of the Kink.com stuff, which doesn't pretend to have a plot and uses real people responding in real ways to what's happening. Anyone know of any good stuff out there made by women? I don't think I've ever seen a porn flick made by a woman, and I'd like to see what that looks like.

Meanwhile, Alice in Wonderland tonight. I'm excited!
Tags: bad movies, i can has porn by women?, things that might interest joel ;-)
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