tatjna (tatjna) wrote,

My bellybutton is fascinating. No really.

My work is currently in a state of flux. I have several projects in various states of completion, and they're all in some phase where I'm waiting - for feedback, for pivotal meetings, for information, for the Second Coming..

..which means I'm twiddling my thumbs a lot at the moment. It's been a long moment of approximately three weeks, with another couple of weeks to go before I can expect some action. I can't help but think how much shiny stuff I could have made in that time had I not had to be at work. Hmm..

So, since I woke up on Sunday morning I appear to be having some kind of memory storm. It seems there was a whole lot of stuff that I had forgotten or just blocked out or something. Nothing earth shattering, and not slanted particularly positively nor negatively, just stuff. Memories, pictures, details, feelings. It's the feelings that are the hard bit.

I'm being reminded, mostly, of what it was like on a day-to-day level to be sharing your life with someone. Odd memories of travelling places in vehicles, of doing things both mundane and exciting, of hanging out, going fishing, climbing, bleeding the water pump, building the halfpipe.. you know, just stuff. But stuff done with someone, in a shared life.

Like I said, nothing riveting but for some reason, for me, profound. I'd forgotten a lot of this stuff. I understand that looking back I'm probably being unrealistic about how it was - but the stuff that's coming up isn't just the positive stuff. I'm remembering the arguments, the problems, the way he would withdraw emotionally when I'd done something that displeased him and the desolation I'd feel at those times. I'm remembering the time I spat in his face because I was so angry that I couldn't think of anything else to do. I remember when he had a tanty because his car wouldn't start and jumped up and down on it till the roof caved in while I freaked out at the violence even though it wasn't directed at me.

I also remember climbing on the sea cliffs outside Takaka, walking through the bush learning the names of the native plants, being encouraged to enjoy being a parent and shown that I was actually quite good at it, not crazy or useless. I remember being encouraged to pursue my goals, and supported in it. I remember that there were no limits to the possibility of expanding my horizons, and that's a lesson I've kept. And I remember wanting this person. All the time. Without fail, when he walked in I'd get that thrill you get. You know the one, yes you do.

That relationship lasted 5 years and while it definitely had its moments and obviously it ended, for the most part I was very happy. It felt natural and normal to be sharing my life with someone I felt so intensely about. When it was over, I had my first experience of depression.

Now, I'm not a person who will slide into depression normally if I don't watch myself. For me, it's situational. At the time, I didn't know what was happening to me - I mean, post breakup you're supposed to feel crappy, right? But when I collapsed at work and got sent to the doctor and realised that I hadn't been eating or sleeping more than 3-4 hours a night for several weeks, and admitted I'd had suicidal thoughts* and ended up on watch from the CAT team, I realised there was something a bit more wrong than just breakup blues. They gave me SSRIs and after a month or so things started to come right with the eating and sleeping.

* Weirdly, for me, suicidal thoughts involved thinking about arrangements for who would get First when I was gone. I realised I was 'making plans' and telling the doctor about that is what started the chemical recovery process.

But part of coming right seemed to involve drawing a mental curtain over the previous five years. Not completely obliterating them, more like covering them over with a semi-opaque sheet so that I could only see bits of it and not in detail.

Now, it's all bubbling back up. In minute detail, with associated emotions. I have no idea why. The relationship ended over 5 years ago and I am not the same person I was. I've grown and changed (probably because of it as well as after it), and become a lot closer to the person I want to be. The ways in which I'm not the same are starkly obvious when I think about events and how I dealt with them then, and how I would now. I feel I have less to prove, and I'm not as angry as I once was. I'm also not as singleminded, more forgiving, and less likely to take things personally.

So I'm experiencing this weird dissociation where I'm remembering all this stuff, feeling the emotions I felt at the time, and also feeling the emotions I'd feel now in the same situaion, and they're different. I'm different. I think that's a good thing. And most weirdly, I had forgotten that it could feel that natural to give and receive love. Where has my head been for the last five years?

I have no idea why this is happening. I haven't thought about Dave for years, now I'm reliving the entire relationship? Plz2b telling me WTF is going on, mmk?

Bleh. Kudos to you if you read all that. Hi, I'm Tats, here's my navel. Wanna gaze into it too? Maybe there's enlightenment under all that lint.

I am waiting for a phone call from a Real Estate agent. I think I may have to be Scary Wendy for this one.

Also, shearing season is cranking up. I'm booked this weekend, and the first two in December. The Black and Coloured Sheep Breeders Association, who came to my demo last year (or was it the year before?) have done that communal thing and they have 60 for me in a few weeks. Someone want to volunteer their massage skills for after that? Cos otherwise you won't see me for a while unless you have a crowbar and a board with wheels.

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