tatjna (tatjna) wrote,

On intimacy vs sex, and why intimacy is more important

I spent several hours doing this on Sunday. I've been able to barrel roll for a while but always felt ungainly and wanted to be able to do it without stomping. I also want to be able to hoop around my chest while barrel rolling, and take my arms in and out at will. The focus-on-a-point idea really helps, as does going slowly, because it teaches you to use little muscles for fine control instead of flinging yourself around like a dervish.

I achieved this twice. I also discovered I have Muscles In Places. Seriously. I've been hooping for about 18 months, you'd think I'd have discovered all my torso muscles by now. But no. I have more. These ones are in under my floating ribs at the back, in stealth mode. Also, the backs of my calves, in the bit between the two main muscles - there are more muscles. Who knew?

Plz2b sending masseur with lots of free time. Kthx.

I find this hard to admit - no idea why, probably the Scary Independent thing. However, I'm going to admit it publicly because I am TMI Girl.

I like to touch and be touched. No, not like that - OK sometimes like that, but I'm talking mainly about affectionate touching here. Cuddles, pats, that sort of thing - the kind of touching that goes beyond the quick hug at greeting and parting, but doesn't step over into sex. I guess it's intimate but not sexual? The problem is, there are very few people I trust enough to be comfortable allowing them to touch me. No, hang on, that's not right. There are very few people with whom I am comfortable putting myself in a position where that kind of touching is possible. Subtle difference, but important. In most cases, the issue will never arise because I will stay out of touching range. My personal space is 'arm's reach' and I maintain that instinctively.

Anyway, that's all kind of la la la so what, right?

Well, these days I don't have regular touching of any kind. Previous relationships have .. jeez, I typed a bunch of stuff here then just deleted it, and am going to replace it with this:


Uh.. yeah. Um.. so I have trust issues, in that I fear, as previously stated, that any situation that involves touching will eventually turn into a decision about whether or not I want to have sex. Bleh. Makes me avoid touching.

So, back to the people I trust. These are people for whom touching does not equal sex - who have successfully separated intimacy from sex in their heads, so they can enjoy intimacy with people without sex becoming an issue. Yay for those people. Seriously, YAY! You people are the ones who restore my faith in human nature, and that's why I'm ok with being in intimate touching situations with you.

But - and here's the bit that's hard to admit. The other day, I ended up in a situation where I was surrounded by couples, and they were snuggling and it was lovely, except I had nobody to snuggle. It was.. well, it was a bit of a self-pity party for me for a while. I'm sure this happens to other people too, right? Right? So, um.. how do you deal with it?

I understand that it isn't the right thing to do, to look for a relationship just so you can have someone to cuddle with. And I won't do that. I'm sticking to my 'no compromise' thing there. But does this really mean I have to go without affection altogether? I am not one to dive into a snuggle between a couple and go "Hey, I need a cuddle toooo!" - I'm more likely to remove myself from the situation and give myself a stern talking to, you know? It's not their fault I don't get daily affection.

Bleh. I give up. This is not very coherent. I wonder, since I'm not the only single person with trust issues on LJ, how others cope with this - when all the friends they trust to touch with are partnered and they feel left out?

Also, this is not 'aimed' at anyone - it's just me expressing my thoughts in a random and not-very-articulate way.

Yes yes, I have a dog. She's awesome. But she's not a person, she doesn't have arms, and I can't discuss the state of the nation with her. She brings me a different kind of joy.

In other news, Phil (new flattie) has a kid. The kid fixed the CD player. And and and, happiness is a flatmate with a weedeater. You really could play croquet on the lawn now.
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