tatjna (tatjna) wrote,

Bluhwuh? Ubuhduh. Muh.

Someone snuck in during the night and filled my sinuses with sand. Thanks guys. Also, I was up till midnight in the throes of OMGWHYDIDTHISNOTHAPPENLASTWEEK frantic essay restructuring, and slept through my alarm this morning. However, Espresso Rescue Guy made me an extra large cup of drugs this morning, and he was playing Flight of the Conchords' Hiphopopotamus which made me happy.

He reckons I should sample their French song for a psy track (i may have loaned him a CD of psy when i snapped him out playing michael buble one day - folks, we have a convert!).

Yesterday I went to get keys cut for the new flattie (who is Italian and whose name is Claudio), and while I was in the shop Chantilly Lace came on the radio. It had a very strange effect on me, in that it made me nostalgic. For something. Not sure what, except that it involved domesticity and comfort and stuff like that.

When I think about it, that kind of music comes from my childhood. No, I'm not that bloody old! My folks played it a lot, mmk? And my folks were married for 37 years. They had developed that easy companionship that you get when your partner is also your best friend, so they could happily hang out for hours not saying anything, just being easy together.

And of course I grew up in this environment of everyone knowing each other really well, having got through the discomfort of learning to tolerate each other's not-so-cool stuff, to the point where people were comfortable together.

So what's the big deal there, Tats? Well, funny you should ask. As you know, I spent the last 5 years living with my brother, who is one of the most laidback people I know, and also a product of this environment I grew up in. Considering how many people have said to me "I could never live with my sibling", I understand that it's pretty unusual for us to get along so easily. But we do. I was very settled there, to the point where it was becoming a concern that I had got into that 'platonic life partner' situation. Then I moved. And I've been uncomfortable ever since.

I loved my partner. It's one of the reasons I moved in with him. However, because of the way things turned to custard, we never really got the chance to be comfortable together. Not long after we moved in, his depression flared up, which changed the dynamic and meant we weren't interacting as boyfriend/girlfriend. I can't describe what we were interacting as, but it wasn't anything close to my idea of how a romantic relationship should be. Just as things started to come right in terms of relationship dynamics, I discovered the cheating and the rest is history. But what I'm getting at here is that we only managed to achieve that level of ease and comfort together for a very short time, the rest of the time was not like that because of a variety of factors - in fact it was very uncomfortable, because it's impossible to relax when you feel that actions/words said in relaxation (without measurement) could easily cause someone else unnecessary suffering.

There have been other factors that have been uncomfortable for me this year - flatting with people with whom I also don't have that level of comfort, trying to be the Low Impact Flatmate (which isn't that hard because left to my own devices I'm pretty hermit-like at home anyway, and I like mowing lawns which always scores brownie points), and my home generally not being a comfort zone what with one thing and another. I am slowly working my way towards being my own comfort zone again after not having had one for the last 9 or so months.

But yeah, Chantilly Lace, for me, brought the kind of nostalgia that goes with just being able to be with someone, with no strings, no demands, no expectations. I want that. I miss that about living with grist, from my growing up, and if I were to be completely honest with myself, I also miss that from the short time that my relationship was good.

I hope I get that again one day. Because you know, while it's not a necessity for life or for happiness, it's just really nice. And I'm allowed to want nice things for myself.

*listens* Holy crap it's raining hard. I hope my road doesn't fall down before I get to go home. If it does, I might turn up dripping on your doorstep without warning, mmk? Also, my car leaks so I may have to purchase a snorkel for the driving to your doorstep. Plz2b preparing the big fluffy towel for me...
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