tatjna (tatjna) wrote,
tatjna
tatjna

Hi, I'm Tats and..

It's been a rugged few days. In fact it's been a rugged few weeks, but yesterday was kind of the icing on the cake.


Seriously, I could have hurt someone. I pictured myself smashing my fist into that woman's face repeatedly until it looked the same as the mess I saw falling out of that sheep's back end. Luckily for her, and for me, she wasn't around.

I am not dumb enough to think this is just a result of righteous anger at someone else's stupidity. Yeah, that was part of it, but I think it's more likely it's the result of a buildup of things, of which each alone wasn't enough to get that reaction, but combined added up to Tats Finally Losing The Plot.

I could write a list of reasons I have to be angry - but I don't think that's particularly productive. I'd rather write a list of ways of dealing with said anger.

I've been experiencing what you might call the post-event blues. You know when things are falling apart around you and you have to keep it together and just keep on going, doing what you have to do, making sure your ass is covered, taking action? And then, when you've done everything you can, there is no more action to be taken and no more immediate stresses requiring your attention, you have time to stop taking action and start reflecting?

I am much better at taking action than I am at reflecting. To the point where my reflecting nearly always leads to "Yes but what can I do about this?" Heh. Because thinking and mulling and dwelling and stewing and learning are all good, but unless the reflection leads to changes (action) that actually improve things, it's all wasted brainspace and I might as well be thinking about cupcakes or painting my nails.

And I guess the thing that's been bothering me about this sheep business is that while the woman was obnoxious and rude and also became the cause of the problems I had yesterday, she was not the cause of the events that led up to me being in a headspace where I could get that angry in the first place.

Sheep die. It's part of life, that dying thing. The other ewe, the one that died during the week of the same thing, didn't bother me nearly as much. So not being able to save that one sheep became a symbol of something. The anger I felt yesterday was huge and all-consuming. I yelled and screamed and cried and had a right tanty, all in a relatively safe place where nobody witnessed it and I didn't do any damage. It's the lowest I've been for a long time, lying on the side of a hill covered in blood, kicking and screaming and blubbing like a kid.

And you know what? Today, while I feel drained and empty and sad, I don't feel angry any more. I think I may have screamed out any emotional attachment I had to events beyond my control.

It feels nice.


So. That's what I mean when I say that events like yesterday can really put your life in perspective.

Today's gratitude - positive things happening for people I care about. Please tell me about your positive thing, if you will. It'll be nice to focus outwards again.
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