tatjna (tatjna) wrote,

And give me one good reason why I should keep my feelings a secret.

Blah blah more personal stuff my blog will probably be boring for a while.

Yes, we got four hours' sleep, some time after 6:30 on Sunday morning. Go us. The Auckland people were not dodgy at all, in fact they were nice people that we should steal for Wellington. The music was good, the party was fun, my meeting with Mr Professor Guy went well despite my eyeballs periodically dropping out onto the table. richdrich and I decided we had been quite coherent. And I'm sure we were. *nod*

I am.. not really ok. This weekend was a very good escape for me, but coming back home was.. a slap in the face. In the few months I've been here, I've fallen in love with this house, it really feels like home, but now it isn't my home. It's not a safe place, when I'm here I have a constant knot in my stomach. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be anywhere. I imagine some of you are familiar with that feeling.

My normal MO in this situation is to put my head down and just keep chugging along without looking around, just focusing forward on whatever goal I'm aiming for. In this case, it's to get myself into a safe situation so that I can actually fall apart for a while. Right now I have to keep it together and I am not sure how long that'll be for. The situation is complicated - it's not just me that'd be affected if I moved tomorrow, and I care a great deal about the other people who would be affected.

I am really glad I handed in my essay before all this happened, and now have a couple of weeks before uni starts back up.

I am going to continue to leave my posts open. Secrecy has done so much damage in my life, I just don't see any reason to keep how I'm feeling to myself. Sorry, I am having trouble being positive at the moment.

I am not at work today. It's mostly about the not sleeping last night despite really needing it - I figure that my boss will understand.

Ah fuck. I give up. Hope you liked the photo.

[EDIT] Oh hang on, there is something. Rowena got manymany hugs from everyone who sent one, and sends just as many back. She is Teh Orsome, and has dancing pants like mine, only in white. Yay ;-)
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