tatjna (tatjna) wrote,

Oh god Tats, don't be serious! It's Friday!

"If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you.
If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you."
~ Jesus

My blog is primarily a place for me to blurble on about whatever random shite is in my head on any given day. Usually, as you can probably tell from most of my posts, my head is full of a variety of bits and pieces and snippets of shiny stuff that's taken my interest. Sometimes, though, my head has Big Stuff in it. Today is one of those days. And I have to bring it forth, or it will destroy me.

I've thought pretty hard about whether I should make this post or not. However, my life is pretty open on LJ, and given the community I live in it would be only a matter of time before my life was pretty open in my local city, even if I did not make this post. It's not friends cut, because I figure any random reading this will have no idea what I'm talking about, and probably won't care anyway. I have disabled comments because this is not up for discussion.

I've wanked on a lot about integrity on this blog. Integrity, to me, is when what you say and what you do are the same thing - walking the talk, telling the truth, being honest in your dealings with people. A couple of years ago, I was going through a really rough patch, and right at the end of it I had this insight about integrity:

It's when who you are on the inside matches who you are on the outside.

"Oh noes!" I hear you gasp. "Tats is going to go off on one of her big lectures!"

Well, no. I'm not. If you want to read Tats On Integrity, go look through my archives. What I want to talk about is what's happened this week. It's something I hadn't really thought about much before, because usually when I have major revelations, they apply to me, what with me being all egotistical and self-absorbed and whatnot.

This time, it's about my friends. I hadn't realised, but when I had that revelation back in 06 about integrity, I started filtering my friends. Not on LJ, but furrealz in meatspace. I wasn't aware of it at the time, I just noticed that some people were going out of my life and others were coming in. However, it appears that integrity was the yardstick. Two years down the track, I find myself surrounded by people for whom the truth is important, and whose insides match their outsides. Some of these people might fit other labels quite well. Pick your label. But integrity is a common thread.

This week, I've had reason to be very very grateful that my friends have integrity.

I don't know how to put this, I really don't. Something has been going on that was being kept from me. It put people who care about me in the position of having to decide whether to keep it to themselves and let me continue without complete information, or to tell me and potentially hurt me and someone else. I would not like to be in this position. The fairness of putting someone in this position, I will let you decide for yourself. Anyway, the decision was made to tell me. And I am so very, incredibly grateful that it was. Why? Because although the information hurt me, the hurt of knowing compared with the hurt of not knowing and making different choices through ignorance, that would lead to living within a framework of dishonesty and deceit, would be so much greater.

If you care about someone, sometimes you have to choose between two hurts. The fact that my friends chose the hurt that allowed me to make decisions based on the truth, and therefore do the things that long term will be better for me, shows just how much integrity they have.

Please, people. If you're ever in the position where you know something that someone who ought to know obviously does not - do the right thing, no matter how much it feels like hurting someone, or betraying someone else. The truth will always come out eventually, and for that person, finding out the truth and then realising that you knew and didn't tell them, will hurt way more than finding out the truth from you.

I am no longer in a relationship.

This may seem like airing my dirty laundry in public. Frankly, I don't care. Read the disclaimer on the cut, then the first paragraph after the cut. Judge me all you like. I do what's best for me.

I'll finish with another quote from Jesus (who, whether you believe the rest of the god stuff or not, was a dude):

"Let anyone among you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone."

(fidels tonight as usual)

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