tatjna (tatjna) wrote,

I am

Very very lucky. I have people in my life who are smart and funny and caring, and compassionate, and count me as a friend. There was a time when if someone wanted to be my friend I suspected their motives, and if a friend and I had a disagreement I would feel as if the friendship was over. Not any more.

Thank you Happy for reminding me of this. My life is full of real people who are amazing, and you're one of them.

Last night I had a dream about history. It wasn't a very nice dream, it involved my ex-husband. In my dream I was moving into a new house and was very excited about the prospect of making it my own, nesting, doing all those domestic things that make a house into a sanctuary. One of the things I was excited about was cooking food for people, and I went all enthusiastic to tell everyone what I was planning. To which the response was "Oh no, not that. I hate that and you always make it taste bad."

At which point my dream turned into a running/escaping/destroying dream, in which I totally wrecked everything I'd set up in the house, and left.


Tonight I am cooking for guests for the first time in a very long time. I guess I'm nervous about it eh? I have loads of help and support and good company and I have nothing to worry about. Yet, little fingers from back then come and tap me on my shoulder when I'm sleeping, and I wake up asking myself if I'm doing the right thing by committing myself to creating a home/sanctuary, and is it all going to turn to custard while I'm happily making cushion covers and hanging pictures? Am I going to lose my strength to be me, or have to fight to retain my sense of self worth if I allow myself to indulge my desire to be domesticated?

And then I remember the conversation I had last night and I'm reminded that THEN is not NOW, and I am not HER. SHE attracted a different kind of people, and did not have the knowledge and the cajones to recognise and change situations that weren't good for her. These days, the kind of people who undermine my sense of self-worth, put me down, or have a sense of entitlement in relation to me, don't get the opportunity. I am surrounded by people who like me because of who I am, not what I can do for them, and who, if I'm doing something that they don't like, are able to tell me without making me feel as if I'm lower than worms.

I like it when things come together to remind me of the difference. It helps me to feel ok about 'lowering my resistance.'

PS I'm a goob.

In other news, the doctors were able to put the stent in successfully. What this means is that Mum should very soon be able to eat normally, digest normally, put on some weight, and go back to digging holes in her lawn that are bigger than she is. While it's still only symptom management, being able to enjoy life is number one priority for Mum, and Mum enjoying life makes me happy.

(even through the last three weeks of being very unwell, she has continued acquiring plants and fish and things, now i get to go help her plant them)

And to cap it all off I did find a bit in Marilyn Waring's book that talks about potential alternatives in a practical, non-accusatory and forward-looking way. It took till page 227, but it's there. WIN!
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