tatjna (tatjna) wrote,

In keeping with the weeding theme

I've done a friends list cleanup. Mostly people who never post and never comment, and only people I don't know in person. The odd person whose posts are always negative, and I find myself having to censor myself to refrain from commenting with something that would be bad for interpersonal relations. Who am I to judge what other people should write on their journal? Nobody, it's their journal - but in turn, I do get to decide what I read. So in the interests of my own peace of mind, keeping this stuff off my friends page works.

This is me exercising my newfound ability to make decisions based on what's right for me instead of what I think will please others.

I know, I know, weeding the negativity off your lj friends list is tiny and petty in the grand scheme of things, but I have never done it before, and my reading list was getting really long. I'd been afraid to unfriend people even if I didn't like to read their stuff, in case they were offended.

Then it occurred to me that by doing that, I was being dishonest and that is more offensive (IMO) than acting on my feelings.

This stems from a discussion with xhile regarding the dishonesty of avoidance.

Thing is, in the past, me asserting my own wants, needs and feelings has led to intensely negative experiences for me, and I'd learned to avoid that by 'pleasing' other people. This mostly seemed to involve squashing what I want in order to meet their needs and keep them happy - thus avoiding a potential situation where I'd be the cause of bad feeling (yes, sometimes in my head I can still hear Trevor telling me that it's my fault he got angry enough to hit me because I decided to buy fish and chips for dinner instead of cooking for him).

The downside to this kind of avoidance is that you feel resentment towards the other person for subjugating your needs, and guilt if you ever do anything for yourself that puts your needs ahead of the other person's. And it's dishonest.

Sometimes it really is better to say "No, you can't come and see me, I would like this time for myself to play mindless computer games, because I feel put upon when I take free time for me and you want me to spend it hanging out with you instead." And risk the negative reaction.

So anyway, the upshot of all this is that I realised I need to do something about this. I have spent the last couple of years reaching some form of peace with my identity, and sorting out some boundaries. It seems that now, it's time to be honest and disciplined about my needs vs those of the rest of the world. This is not just an academic exercise, I actually have to DO it. So here goes.

Weeding my lj flist isn't the only thing I've done. I also split up with my boyfriend. He is a wonderful wonderful man and I love him. And we were making each other unhappy, simply through being two different people who wanted different things from a relationship. In fact, to be completely honest with myself, given the above few paragraphs, I think I'm probably not relationship material for a wee while yet. And It makes me sad that xhile had to be the one I found that out with, and happy that the realisation dawned for us both while we were still ahead and still like each other.

So, um, yeah. Hi, I'm Tats and TMI is my specialty. It's who I am and I like myself. And now, as an added 'bonus', you get to hear me say 'no' occasionally too.

Yesterday I ate a pomegranate for the first time. It was, as rivet so aptly said, "Like eating rubies."

ETA on new pooter - by this weekend. I am growing weary of clicking then waiting several seconds for a response.
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