2. Do you think I should shave my head?
So the Big Thing? The thing that has been looming larger and larger since about June? Wasn't what I thought it was. Still coming. I'm getting the feeling I should do something, but no idea what sort of something I should do.
Also, all the things that have broken down lately? All things that I am taking seriously. None of the frivolous, fun, doesn't-really-matter stuff is breaking down, that's all going swimmingly.
Perhaps something to be taken from this observation? The thing being don't take anything seriously?
I can do that. I think.
In other news, I went to see a friend on Friday. She's been a bit down lately, and last time I went to see her she went off at me over something small. Unfortunately, she worded it in a way that was very emotive - "You always.. *blahblah* .. "I'm not interested in.. *blahblahblah*.." It was completely leftfield and totally unexpected and according to her, one of the things that we've discussed at length in a (I thought) mutually enjoyable way, is apparently abhorrent to her. I was hurt, and didn't go to see her for a while.
On Friday, I walked in, I could see she was upset. I asked what was up. She told me at full volume, with tears and shaking. Nothing to do with me, but it was weird. Weird because I was being blasted with negativity and it hurt. Physically. I had missed her and gone to see her because I wanted to smooth things over from the last time. Instead, I got all this stuff dumped on me as soon as I got in the door. And my energy level went to zero. She was happier after having let it out, but I felt really.. bad. I left as soon as it was polite to.
This woman has been my friend for a long time. She's been there for me. Her issues are real and serious. I know she suffers from depression. I know all this stuff, yet the selfish part of me is going "Do you really want to spend time with someone who makes you feel like that?" And, I've never yelled at her or implied, when I'm down, that me feeling bad is in any way her fault.
I know that the 'right thing' to do is to continue to go see her and support her through this regardless of how it damages me. The selfish thing to do is go 'her problem not mine, if she can't be nice .. etc' and walk away.
There has to be a compromise, a balance, a something. I want to help my friend. I want to support her. But being yelled at does my head in and makes me not want to see her.
Or at least, not without sticking a white flag through the door first..