Lately I've been having trouble getting to aikido. One reason for this is that shearing season's kicked off and I'm busy most Saturdays with that. The Monday session runs too late and Wednesday ends up being the only day I'm available to go.
Training once a week is not ideal, really I should be going at least twice to make any improvement. My spiritual understanding of aikido has improved out of sight since returning from the US (which has come from within rather than from training), but my physical techniques have gone backwards.
This leads to the other reason. I'm not getting anything out of it at the moment. Training seems like a chore and I leave most sessions wondering why I'm doing it.
Here's where the Type A personality comes in. The facts:
- I've been training for two years and have seen improvement but currently am not seeing any.
- I am having to 'make' myself go to training.
- Ralph always said if you're not enjoying it, why are you doing it?
- I know it's good for me (exercise, flow, ego reduction), but the fact that it's good for me isn't making it enjoyable to do.
- I don't want to quit altogether but I'm struggling to find the time and motivation to train more than once a week, and once isn't enough to improve.
- Not going feels like failure. I beat myself up for being undisciplined.
- I wonder if giving myself a break from forcing myself to go will help me remember why I used to enjoy it.
- I have to let shearing take precedence, and recovering from that makes aikido harder.
Anyway, I'm trying to decide what to do. I figure I have some options. These, as I see them, are: give up altogether, keep on training once a week till I have more time and hope that I gain something from it that I'm not gaining now, or let them know I won't be going to training until the end of shearing season (about mid January).
I know you can't tell me what to do, but you can perhaps fill in some gaps of things I may not have thought of, or tell me what you'd do and why, or something. At the moment it's just a tangle of thoughts that confuse me and none of the three options are ideal. Guilt is my enemy.