tatjna (tatjna) wrote,

Work's annual conference is coming around again


I just realised that it's been nearly a year since my world started to crumble. I remember it well. I remember posting this and as I wrote the last line of it, thinking "Is writing this jinxing me? Turns out yes, yes it was. How dare I be so happy? Two days later I made a post about the difficulty of obtaining U2 tickets, and it was all downhill from there. The universe decided I needed to learn to get my happiness from inside, I guess, and systematically took away everything that I thought was good in my life in the most painful, humiliating and Drawn-Out For Extra Pain ways possible. Within 6 months I had gone from "Does life get any better than this?" to "I want to die. What is worth staying alive for?" Seriously. Not many people knew about that at the time because we are British and we keep a stiff upper lip and pretend everything's fine because we don't want to be a bother. But it was a pretty close call, probably the closest I've ever been to giving up.

But hey look, I'm still here. Why? Because of you lot, mainly - the people I was talking about in that post. And because, just as I wrote about during the darkest time back in April and May, an empty vessel allows things to flow in. And flow they did, eventually. Yay. I can't say I'm rapt about the way the last year has gone, but I can say that I'm a whole lot stronger than I was, the things that were not right in my life are gone and the stuff that's flowing in is a lot more conducive to my long term happiness. Otter has become a large and important part of my life and lies are no longer something I have to live with. So yeah. Been a few miles since I made the jinx-post. That person did die, I guess. Because this person is a whole lot more alive.

Anyway, U2 postponed their show. And the replacement show happens on the 25th of November. I remembered this a few days ago, and thought about going to the concert. And all those emotions from back then came flooding in and I started to slide towards the Black Hole again. So I put my ticket up on TradeMe. It sold for quite a lot more than I paid for it, which I wasn't expecting. When things like that happen, I choose to see them as evidence that I've done the right thing. I've never seen U2 live, and now I probably never will. But it's worth the sacrifice, somehow, to be free. Thanks Bono, for giving me a physical way of doing this.

One day, I'll be able to think about that time without crying. One day, when a man shows interest in me, I'll go "Hmm" and be interested, instead of dancing away and putting them off with feyness. One day, but not yet.

Meanwhile, I'm finding out more about being happy than I think I ever knew was possible, a lot of it thanks to you. But I'm not going to say that jinxing thing this time round, mmk?
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