This morning I wrote to my Mum:
"I seem to have lost track of what I want. All my life I've worked towards having my own farm. Now, I'm seriously questioning if that's what I really want out of life. The hard part is, I just don't know any more. It's something I've always had, like an anchor in my life. I feel very much as if I've come adrift, and I don't know where to start trying to re-establish some kind of ambition to do something. Like, if not that, then what? I have loads of years of my life left to live, and the idea of living them with nothing to drive me is really scary."
I don't normally talk to my Mum about things like this, because I figure she worries enough about me and can't really do anything to help, so I don't want to give her unnecessary stress. But on the other hand, she says she feels as if she doesn't know anything about what I'm up to. I want to improve this (and our relationship), so there was a big long letter full of how I'm feeling etc. I hope it doesn't scare her away.
This year, a lot of the people I care about are moving away. It's really good to see them pursuing ambitions, going places, and generally out there living their lives. I'm happy for those people - it makes me happy to see them, and I know that they will still be my friends even if they are far away. I am going to miss them though.
One of the side effects of this (and my approaching birthday) is that I've been looking at myself and what I'm doing - which appears to be nothing. I've drifted a long way away from the single-minded determination I used to have regarding where I wanted to be and what I wanted to be doing. Now, I'm not sure if I even want that anymore. It's a very strange feeling, for something you have dreamed of and yearned for for so many years, to just melt away. Where did it go? How? Why? And when? What will I focus on now? And what will I do?
I know, I know, oh online friends - there are no easy answers to these kinds of questions. Everything changes and through change we grow. Etc etc blah blah. I thought I was too young to be having a mid-life crisis. It doesn't even feel like a crisis - more like a vacuum, waiting there for me to fill it with something. And I guess the reason I'm putting this online is because I'm struggling with figuring out the something.
The simple answer, I guess, is 'living'. Looking after myself, doing things that make me happy. Not thinking too much about anything else. Something will come along in due course. As Ralph so eloquently puts it, it's all about the letting go. He reckons that if you stop thinking about something and let go of attachment to it, it's more likely to happen. I've always struggled with not thinking about things, and this is a pretty big thing. Is this really a Requiem for a Dream? Or will it come back through the chop wood/fetch water principle? Or, maybe, if I get out of the way with my silly head full of thinking, something bigger and better?
Anyone got any wood that needs chopping?