January 14th, 2016

happy

(no subject)

Traditionally I've prided myself on being low maintenance, non-demanding company. When decisions are being made about where to eat, what to do, and when to do it, I'm usually the one that goes along with other people's requests/ideas, because generally I'm cruisy about that stuff and I don't think that kind of thing is worth arguing over. Plus, apart from a few things I can generally eat anything, so I'm not limited the way some people are.

However, I've come to realise that in order to be that easygoing, I have to subsume my own desires in those of other people. Generally that's not an issue, but on an ongoing basis it's death by a thousand cuts in terms of my perception of my own worth, my own right to say what I want and expect to have my needs met. Basically, doing what other people want all the time is bad for my self esteem.

So I've made a conscious decision to be more forthcoming about what I want in situations that don't matter. I've always been fairly good at being assertive when it's a Really Important Thing, and really crap at it when it's Not Vital. But it turns out Not Vital still has a level of importance to my self-care. And since my confidence has taken a number of blows in the last year and my health has been affected, self-care has become a Really Important Thing.

The other day I asserted myself over the timing of an activity, and lo and behold nobody went "Why should we do what *you* want?" and nobody got shitty at me and everyone still likes me even though I was selfish and demanding*. Yesterday I had to use a casting vote on a hung committee and naturally the decision wasn't going to be popular with everyone, but I still cast my vote based in my own thinking and not what I thought would please other people.

Small things, but for me big progress. This year is the year I take care of myself, y'hear?

* Yes, I am one of those lucky women who's internalised the societal notion that I should be unselfish and giving all the time or everyone will hate me.

PS Last night I got touchdown in my splits for the first time since I tore the top of my hamstring 18 months ago. It's been a mission getting back there but I made it. Yay!