November 29th, 2012


On why I don't identify as an academic. Warning, navel gazing

In response to a couple of comments in my post yesterday, I went and had a look at available scholarships. Don't worry folks, I'm not planning to rush back to uni in a burst of misguided enthusiasm, I'm pretty dedicated to my year of mental slacking - but I want to complete postgrad and change the world and it hadn't occurred to me that good marks would do anything other than give me bragging rights on the internet. So I went and had a look.

I found three that I figured I was eligible for - many of them specify topics other than mine, and others are for people from particular places, then there's those that are only for Masters or PhD stuff. But yeah. There's this one, for people from Northland. There's this one, for any Vic graduate with a GPA of over 8 (mine is), that pays all fees for an Honours or Masters degree. Then there's this one, which is for women over 35 who want to change career. And in pie-in-the-sky thinking, there's also this one which I'm eligible for if I kept up my current record through Honours, which would give me a full ride to Cambridge.

At which point I had a minor meltdown.

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I know a few people who are probably able to identify with some of this, and I know at least one who's overcome it. I know someone who'll tell me I'm being silly and that I should just crush that self-doubt like a bug because it's not useful to me, and tieke is still sitting on my shoulder rolling her eyes and going BUT U R RONG, SILLY!

But I think slowly, and it's probably just a matter of time before I properly assimilate this into my identity. Meanwhile, every time I think about the possibility of applying for that scholarship, I cry because I can't quite believe that about myself and changing your identity is hard. Luckily, I have at least three years before I'd have to think about it seriously.

Meanwhile, kittens!