July 21st, 2010


Blah blah blah

Dear Fric*,

Yes, I did know Polly was away. I realise this means you have to warm your own bed, but squawking about it repeatedly at 1am and then again at 4am will not miraculously make her appear. Instead, it will summon THE OGRE, who will STOMP and HISS and WAVE HER ARMS and cause you to make an undignified exit stage left at high speed. THE OGRE will then retire to her swamp and visualise inventive ways of torturing cats while trying to go back to sleep.

And there will still be no Polly, so just STFU about it because you'd make a good set of hand warmers and I'm at my least charitable in the middle of the night. Just saying. Your Mum will be home tonight whether you squawk or not.

No love,

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* PS It wasn't till I watched Merlin (the Sam Neill one, not the silly TV one) that I realised you are named after Queen Mab's assistant and not a euphemism for a cuss-word.