July 16th, 2005


Where did my brain go?

Aikido is one of the most difficult things I have ever attempted to learn. Normally I'm pretty good at physical stuff. The other day I got called a 'physical polymath'. But with aikido, it's just different. I find this intensely frustrating, and the frustration is becoming a barrier to my enjoyment and learning. I tried to talk about this to my sensei. His first response was to laugh (oh yeah that made me feel a whole lot better). When I persisted with it, the response was 'If you're not enjoying it, don't do it' That really didn't help. After that I got angry.

I don't want to give up. I know if I stick with it that eventually I'll get it, but at the moment I need some help, or understanding, or something. I thought it was the job of the teacher to help the student find a situation where they can learn, and I'm not sure this is happening for me. Or maybe I'm the first person who hasn't just 'got' it? Maybe I really am stupid.[/sarcasm] Actually, in my darkest moments that is exactly what I think. I also know that all things that are worth learning are hard, and frustrating, and not always enjoyable, so no, I don't want to stop doing it just because it's hard right now and I feel like I'm out of my depth. But I don't appreciate being laughed at by the person who's supposed to be helping me either, it really made me feel like walking out of class. I have a grading next week. Argh! *sigh* All I can think of to do is to keep turning up in the hopes that I'll learn this stuff by proximity or osmosis or something. Because I'm sure not getting it from trying.

Anyway, if anyone's experienced something similar and has pearls of wisdom as to how to deal with frustration, I'm all ears.

Meanwhile, I think I've been lobotomised in my sleep. I feel as if I've dropped about 30 IQ points this week, and I have no idea why. I don't like being dumb.
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