February 10th, 2005

happy

Blergh

Today the reality of just how much I've been fucked around has hit me. As I sift through potential job ads, update my CV and write more fucking covering letters, I'm finding myself feeling very resentful. I don't want to put myself out there to be judged again, so soon after last time. And with the clock ticking away, I feel pressured to take anything I'm offered rather than be out of work. I think it's necessary to phone potential employers this time, to introduce myself and explain why I was only in my current job for four weeks.. *sigh* Hard to find a bright side.

I think my confidence is a little shaky. I find myself feeling hurt over things that really shouldn't bother me. So today I'm wearing my skirt again. You know, the one that makes me feel pretty? Who cares if I'm the only one that thinks so.. it works for me.

I think the saddest thing is that this is a job that I really do feel passionate about. I'm helping people realise their goals and aspirations, and getting the time to do the job properly, which I didn't get to do in my last job because of the supervising wayward teenager thing. And now, my job is just taking up valuable time that I could be spending finding myself a new job.

Help, I'm drowning..

[EDIT] Is it wrong to suddenly feel like gobbing out the windows and smoking cigarettes in the office? Polly, I think you may be right about those self-destructive tendencies. It just takes more for them to come out.