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Australia wants to kill everybody - Tactical Ninja

Jul. 1st, 2013

11:25 am - Australia wants to kill everybody

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So as it turns out, we didn't go to Brisbane after all - we were actually in Surfer's Paradise, which consists entirely of skyscrapers and beach. So we headed inland and went for a bush walk in a place called Tamborine Mountain. Tamborine Mountain is full of very strange little galleries selling very strange kitsch. Everything from adult-themed fudge to angel and crystal stuff, to slightly anatomically-wrong paintings of horses and.. diecast model cars? Uhh..


So anyway, we went for a bush walk. It was raining but not cold, and the track was muddy. Happy was wearing these shoes:



which will become relevant later.

Seems everything in Australia is very obviously part of a food chain. The bush we were in was rainforest and consisted of palms and large trees that look like they should be in World of Warcraft. Vis:



These ones were relatively unscathed, but throughout the walk we kept encountering parasite trees that would be growing up the other trees and slowly killing them, eventually completely surrounding them and... digesting them?

*shudder*

So we're walking along and I'm thinking how much this all feels like Skyrim and half-pie expecting bandits to drop suddenly out of the trees and start attacking us, when rivet goes "What's that?"

And we looked, and it was a heart. Like, an actual heart, with bits of lungs still attached, about 3-4 hours old (old? uh) and about the size of one that might come from a medium sized dog.

A FUCKING HEART. ON THE GROUND. IN OUR BUSH WALK.

At this point movie tension music started to play in the background. Best guess is we disturbed some small carnivore in the act of carting off wallaby parts, or maybe a bird of prey dropped it, but naturally, we came to the conclusion that it was zombies, and started looking for the exit.

When we came to the sign that said a different thing from the map and decided that we knew better than either, was when we realised we were setting ourselves up for one of those really bad horror movie endings.

When a (potentially zombie) wallaby burst from the bushes right under our feet and hooned off at high speed through the undergrowth, we started to be very pleased we hadn't separated and weren't wearing lingerie, because we all know how that turns out.

When we got out of the bush and thought we were safe, and then Happy found alien looking critters with suckers on their bums, stuck onto the rubber between his toes and trying to burrow through his shoes and eat his flesh, was when we decided that perhaps the beach and the skyscrapers might be a better option, just a thought, can we go now please?

Turns out they were leeches:



FUCKING LEECHES. JESUS H CHRIST.

Luckily for rivet and me, Happy is clearly much tastier, and more accessible. He had three, we had none. Except the phantom ones you get when you've just witnessed someone pull three FUCKING LEECHES from between their toes. Argh.


So, um, yes. When they say that the idea that Australia wants to kill you is a myth, they are lying.

Be warned.

Comments:

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From:tatjna
Date:July 1st, 2013 12:05 am (UTC)
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It's hard to run from something that has sucked onto your toes with its bum.

Nuking from orbit might be an option.
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From:weeweekittie
Date:July 1st, 2013 12:49 am (UTC)
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I currently have about 6 phantom leaches, just from the picture alone.
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From:richaarde
Date:July 1st, 2013 01:40 am (UTC)
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*taking Australia off of my bucket list*
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From:tatjna
Date:July 1st, 2013 01:42 am (UTC)
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To be fair, nothing inside the hotel tried to kill us.

Unlike when Dr Wheel and I went to South Africa...
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From:t_c_da
Date:July 1st, 2013 03:06 am (UTC)
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Australia wants to kill you

It doesn't want to kill you, it just wants to be friendly, very very friendly....

Once, when walking in the bush about 600 miles north of Adelaide, about 2 hours drive from the nearest medicos, I nearly stood on a copper head snake - one of those, that, if it bites you, you've got 15 minutes to get your will sorted and say your goodbyes... Nah, they're just friendly over there, honest!
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From:downwardlashes
Date:July 1st, 2013 04:47 am (UTC)
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I'm glad I have more reasons to stick by my "I'll never visit Australia" vow. Not just large insects, but all sorts of nightmarish creatures. Good to know.
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From:bekitty
Date:July 1st, 2013 05:06 am (UTC)
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Leeches are apparently quite useful in medicine. If you put one of those babies on a bruise, you rapidly don't have a bruise anymore. Plus, once they're full they just pop off.
I think the quick way of getting them off you involves salt?
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From:spotsofcolour
Date:July 1st, 2013 09:17 am (UTC)
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Haha, holy crap! And I thought it was bad when we discovered that we were walking next to the 'Danger Bears' area in Canada, haha! The closest we got was a muddy footprint!
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From:tatjna
Date:July 1st, 2013 08:47 pm (UTC)
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Kiwis are I think the most naive nationality in the world when it comes to dangerous wildlife - we've got nothing here that'll kill you except the weather.

So we're the ones that slather on sunscreen 10 times a day even when it's raining and carry our thermals and soft shell jackets everywhere, all the while wandering around looking at the pretty flowers and not thinking about potential wolf attacks. Yup.
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From:meathiel
Date:July 1st, 2013 10:39 am (UTC)
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Thank goodness Australia is so far from me I don't really feel tempted to travel there ... *lol*
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From:clashfan
Date:July 1st, 2013 01:34 pm (UTC)
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You have, of course, seen this, yes?

http://www.badassoftheweek.com/australia.html
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From:laughingmagpie
Date:July 1st, 2013 02:50 pm (UTC)
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This is some sort of master plan to thwart my Australian trip.
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From:tatjna
Date:July 1st, 2013 08:47 pm (UTC)
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Damn, you're onto me.
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From:plantgirl
Date:July 1st, 2013 07:58 pm (UTC)
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Eh, leeches won't kill you. They'll just suck your blood. Turns out leeches have all sorts of interesting medical uses & are quite useful in transplanting small parts onto people (fingers, ears, etc.): http://www.pbs.org/wnet/nature/bloodysuckers/leech.html

Even cooler are maggots, which have turned out to be incredibly useful for cleaning wounds & preventing infection: http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2003/10/1024_031024_maggotmedicine.html

Just, you know, to make your day.
:)
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From:kehleyr
Date:July 1st, 2013 08:23 pm (UTC)
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we came to the conclusion that it was zombies, and started looking for the exit LOL :-D
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From:goddessofchaos
Date:July 1st, 2013 08:30 pm (UTC)
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This - plus the very long plane journey - is why I will probably never visit Australia. The wildlife there just seems... evil.
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From:adam_0oo
Date:July 1st, 2013 09:55 pm (UTC)
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Holy shit, that sounds like that Avatar planet.
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From:richdrich
Date:July 2nd, 2013 06:38 am (UTC)
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Wierd. I'm in Melbourne as I write and have met nothing larger and more scary than a cat.

I guess it's leaving the cities that's the problem? Maybe they should have some sort of protective domes.
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From:tatjna
Date:July 2nd, 2013 06:59 am (UTC)
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From what I understand, Melbourne doesn't really count as Australia.

The first time I was in Brisbane, blue ants tried to eat me.
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