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Trying to imagine - Tactical Ninja

Oct. 18th, 2012

08:20 am - Trying to imagine

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As you know I've been making short forays into the world of DA fanfiction. Just reading, not writing. *cue a collective sigh of relief from my flist* I tend to lean towards general fic rather than slash, and I quite like those stories that take an unexplored plot thread from canon and go "What if?"

But despite not actively seeking out slash/romance/whatever you want to call it, the fact remains that most fics I've come across contain at least one relationship, and that generally means at least one sex scene.


It's no secret that I find the character of Anders fascinating, and a lot of the fics I choose to read involve him in some way. [Not all that spoilery ackshully]He's got the dark mysterious past and the life-gaps in canon and question marks over his future. He has lots of interesting personality conflicts and a passionate nature, and then there's the Justice thing as well. So yeah, untold good possibilities for fic-ifying him.

He's also got a reputation as a bit of a promiscuous type who will essentially bed anyone (at least, when you first meet him). So this means that when you read an Anders fic, you're going to get sex sooner or later, pretty much. A lot of fics depict his dark past as including sexual abuse by the templars as well, even though this isn't in canon.


So reading Anders generally means reading at least some sex. Some have more sex than others. I started reading one that was just nothing but sex and I was all "Er... plot what plot?" and gave up because there's only so much heaving bosom and thrusting manhood I can read before I start giggling hysterically, and frankly I am just not that into reading sex. I like story.

But anyway, as I've been reading my way through these sex scenes, I've started to think about all the different things the various authors have had Anders do. I've read him having sex in every position with every possible character. He's participated in bdsm and other kinks, up to and including 24/7. He's had one night stands, multiples and poly relationships. He's done the electricity thing a myriad of different ways. He's been everything from a premature ejaculator to a walking jackhammer that can go again within minutes of orgasm, or go all night. He's rough, he's tender, he’s warm, he’s distant, he yells, he’s completely silent, and he apparently gives great head. He gets erections in the weirdest situations, and the collective gasps of "Oh Anders!" have rung through the halls and hovels of Thedas in every conceivable way.

*cough*

Basically, Anders is a sex machine whichever way he's written. Even when he's written as a victim or a bottom, his exploits of sexual prowess are legendary and terrifyingly copious and varied.

And now I'm thinking to myself that Anders is at least a fictional character. I'm new to fanfiction but not so wet behind the ears that I'm not aware that real people get this treatment too. I wonder to myself how it feels for those people to know that their 'manly length' and what they do with it is being described in lurid detail all over the internet? Does Jensen Ackles giggle to himself over the feats of flexibility he's credited with? Do the various Doctors ever consider all the various sexual adventures the internet says they are having? If so, I wonder what they make of it. Does it make them feel like someone else's plaything? How does it feel to have one's genitals imagined and shared so thoroughly as you merrily fuck your way through the entire population of your fandom? It must be weird, right?

I also have this bizarre urge to collect a sort of compendium together, of all Anders' fanfic exploits. Not in detail, just piecing together a list of all the things he's supposed to have done and with who, and also all the words that have been used to describe his bits. It shall be called “Oh Anders!” Why? Because I think it'd be funny. I'd laugh anyway..


*looks at you*

What?

In other, non Throbbing Marble Column related news, the first class of handbalancing was last night. I was careful to avoid exercises that might aggravate my shoulder, and today it's okay. Yay! I've lost a bit of fitness for sustained handstands, but I can do it and that makes me happy. Also, I learned to balance upside down on the back of a chair.

Comments:

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From:tatjna
Date:October 17th, 2012 08:54 pm (UTC)
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It sounds quite similar to the testing they do for throbbing concrete columns. Concrete ones have considerable compressive strength but almost zero strength under tension (requiring steel reinforcing to have any use at all for this purpose), and can't really throb at all without losing their structural integrity entirely.

From which we can conclude that when I read about throbbing marble columns, I giggle just a little bit.

As a material scientist, I'm curious what material you'd choose for describing the manly lengths in your Anders fanfic. No reason..
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From:tatjna
Date:October 17th, 2012 11:06 pm (UTC)
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It just doesn't have the same ring to it.

"Anders sighed deeply, satisfied in the knowledge that his actual flesh penis was not only more suitable than either marble or carbon fibre, but also eco-friendly. Thedas was once again safe from global warming."

I guess it'd appeal to some audiences.
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From:tatjna
Date:October 17th, 2012 11:48 pm (UTC)
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Alternatively:

"Anders unrolled his prehensile tentacular organ. As it extended to its full length, first it hit the ceiling, zig-zagged down to the floor, then the growing length bounced off the walls repeatedly, criss-crossing the room's volume in the manner of a spider's web, before encircling a marble column, causing a deep throbbing, which led to spectacular brittle failure.

Rocks fell. Everybody died."
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From:tatjna
Date:October 18th, 2012 01:08 am (UTC)
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Agreed.

Although, given Rule 34, it may be too late.
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From:tieke
Date:October 18th, 2012 03:56 am (UTC)
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Nooo!!!! You can't leave the story hanging like this!!!! I want to know what happens.

Otherwise I'll resort to finishing it using markov chain software.
"Anders unrolled his actual flesh penis was once again safe from global warming. Anders sighed deeply, satisfied in the walls repeatedly, criss-crossing the floor, then the manner of a marble column, causing a spider's web, before encircling a deep throbbing, which led to spectacular brittle failure.Rocks fell. Everybody died. Anders sighed deeply, satisfied in the room's volume in the room's volume in the manner of a deep throbbing, which led to the walls repeatedly. A wood-pecker had a marble or carbon fibre, but also eco-friendly. Anders unrolled his prehensile tentacular organ. As it hit the manner of Thedas. Birds perched upon it. A wood-pecker had a deep throbbing."
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From:tatjna
Date:October 18th, 2012 04:38 am (UTC)
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Jeez, no wonder the woodpecker was confused!

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From:tieke
Date:October 18th, 2012 05:38 am (UTC)
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Anders seems to have a thing for walls.
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From:bekitty
Date:October 18th, 2012 12:31 am (UTC)
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"Wood pecker". Hurr hurr.
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From:tatjna
Date:October 18th, 2012 12:50 am (UTC)
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Wood is completely unsuitable as a column material given some of the fireball-related antics Anders has been credited with.
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From:meathiel
Date:October 18th, 2012 07:03 am (UTC)
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*rofl*

I love the discussions in this thread.

Maybe I really should start reading fanfic???
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From:tatjna
Date:October 18th, 2012 07:27 pm (UTC)
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Maybe you should start writing it!
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From:fushia_darkness
Date:October 19th, 2012 06:32 pm (UTC)
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You are missing out on so much fun and ridiculous stuff ;)
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From:dreadbeard
Date:October 18th, 2012 11:08 am (UTC)
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In many ways the Marquis de Sade is mostly known for his organised cataloguing of perversion.
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From:miryai
Date:October 18th, 2012 09:12 pm (UTC)
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Hehe, fanfiction is awful, amazing, hilarious, depending on who you read. :) I'm a huge fan of fanfic.
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From:tatjna
Date:October 18th, 2012 09:15 pm (UTC)
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I have read some utterly stunning stories, ones that really ought to have more wide reading than they do. And then there's the.. others. Heh. I tend to go on how many good reviews or favourites a fic has had, but it turns out that lots of people like reading lots of sex.

Well duh. *slaps forehead* And in the middle of one of these, my brain just went "Bloody hell Anders has a weird sex life!"

I think it's because usually when you read fiction, each story has different characters. But with fanfic it's often the same characters in a different story each time so you get this bizarre build-up of memories of their exploits. O.o
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From:miryai
Date:October 19th, 2012 05:13 am (UTC)
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Haha yes it's funny to think of all the different 'instances' of characters in fanfic. You should totally give your hand a try at some ;)
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From:fushia_darkness
Date:October 19th, 2012 06:36 pm (UTC)
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ROFL!

Being a huge reader of fanfiction, both of more plot-based stories as well as more sex-based ones, you and the comments on this entry made my Friday!
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