?

Log in

No account? Create an account

Moar navel gazing and some circus tricks - Tactical Ninja

May. 30th, 2012

09:04 am - Moar navel gazing and some circus tricks

Previous Entry Share Next Entry

In case you were wondering, here is an example of the kind of judgement that gets piled on a mother who chooses not to be the caregiver for her child.

Why yes, I found that triggering, why do you ask? Witness my calm coherency. I don't know if it'll last but so far the ragebeast is being contained.


It doesn't matter how much people like those people up there judge, they will never be able to judge as harshly as the mother is likely judging herself.

And I can't help but wonder why women are so quick to jump to conclusions about other women when this happens. Is it an "I would never do that" thing? Or is it based in some kind of fear that in some situations, they would? Or is it just that they are so tied into this idea that mothers should sacrifice themselves for their children at all costs that they can't conceive of a situation where someone might rationally decide not to? Why is a mother leaving her child such a terrible act when, let's face it, fathers leave their children all the time? And as I said up there, if the roles in this situation were reversed, who would be getting judged - the father, or the stepmother who forced the father to choose between her and his child?

Anyway, fuck that for a game of soldiers. I know I won't change anyone's opinion by speaking up (dreadbeard take note) but Hi, I'm Tats, you've met me right? I can't keep quiet when I think something needs saying. ;-/

I've no doubt some of you are wondering why I read a community called cf_abby_tribute when I could be filling my head with worthy pursuits like trying to change the world. Sometimes I do too, but like it or not there are some really funny people in that community and most of the time reading it cracks me the hell up. Not so much this time.

Speaking of trying to change the world - I spend a lot of my time surrounded by people who are working at the forefront of some pretty amazing fields, especially in the area of new uses of technology. Lately there's been a general move towards a kind of amalgamation of technology with social issues, with people working on innovative ways of combining these things for the good of the world. Which is awesome. I am not a tech geek, and to be honest I have zero interest in becoming one. I will learn what I have to to be able to do what I want to do, but I will never be a major contributor to groups developing this stuff. Sometimes that makes me feel inadequate. Then I remember what I AM doing. Just because I'm the only one in my social group that's working on this particular problem doesn't mean it's a lesser pursuit - it just means it's not one that most of the people I'm attracted to have chosed to spend their free time on. It is worthy, I am contributing to making the world a better place, and just because I haven't created an AI prime minister using Fortran doesn't mean that my work is less valuable.

Sometimes I need to remind myself of that, because it gets a bit lonely without peers. I guess I feel like a sheep among the goats or something - the goats are all happy doing goaty things that I don't understand or care about, but I like them and want to hang out with them because they are good people, not because of what they do. I would like a fellow drug policy geek in my social circle though. I guess I'm the best person to go out and find one of those..

Fuck. Networking. Crap.

PS rivet, I miss you.


Last night I learned how to stand on someone's hands while they benchpress me. This looks and feels as weird as it sounds, and was dead entertaining. And possibly harder than it needed to be because our tutor brought muffins to the last tutorial and I ate about a kilo of them. Also, there's talk about putting together a routine for a show in a few months. I don't know if I'll be part of that because I'm the learner among this group, but in a few months surely I'll be better?

Also, I am still astounded at the obliging nature of people who base adagio. Seriously, this guy is quite happy for me to climb all over him, knee him in the back of the head, dig my toes into his tender bits and generally be heavy and pointy while he has to heave me about the place, and he never stops smiling. It seems to go with the territory. I think I'm learning something about body boundaries too - he didn't even bat an eyelid when I accidentally grabbed his package, and I'm fine with being touched in places that even friends wouldn't get away with under other circumstances. It's just.. different. Hmm..

Comments:

(Deleted comment)
[User Picture]
From:tatjna
Date:May 29th, 2012 11:16 pm (UTC)

Re: Goaty things

(Link)
*gnrrrgh* degree stuff first...



Edited at 2012-05-29 11:16 pm (UTC)
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
(Deleted comment)
[User Picture]
From:tatjna
Date:May 30th, 2012 12:22 am (UTC)

Re: Goaty things

(Link)
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
(Deleted comment)
[User Picture]
From:tatjna
Date:May 30th, 2012 02:24 am (UTC)

Re: Goaty things

(Link)
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]
From:thatgirljj
Date:May 29th, 2012 09:51 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Heh. I'm the consumate base for that sort of thing.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]
From:tatjna
Date:May 30th, 2012 03:06 am (UTC)
(Link)
Do you have convenient handles? Because that would really help.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]
From:myrrhmade
Date:May 29th, 2012 10:00 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Whhooo boy. As an abandoned daughter, I can see why you and I are linked in this life bb. We're going to learn and grow from each other.

I know what it's like to be rejected and abandoned, and what it's like to be a young mother.

I would consider it an honor to discuss this with you, as I'm pretty sure this would be healing for us both!
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]
From:tatjna
Date:May 29th, 2012 11:08 pm (UTC)
(Link)
I saw your comment in there and thought pretty much exactly the same thing. ;-)

And I'd be happy to have that conversation - I think I'm finally at a place where it's possible, if you're up for it. *loves*
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]
From:myrrhmade
Date:May 29th, 2012 11:13 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Yes! Always yes. Your courage breaks my heart. And inspires me at the same time. <3!
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]
From:tatjna
Date:May 29th, 2012 11:39 pm (UTC)
(Link)
<3 I don't know how to start.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]
From:myrrhmade
Date:May 29th, 2012 11:55 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Maybe in Private LJ Msg... you might share with me your thoughts?
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]
From:tatjna
Date:May 30th, 2012 12:22 am (UTC)
(Link)
KK, it might take a while cos I'm at work, but will do. ;-)

Also, you rock.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]
From:ms_hecubus
Date:May 29th, 2012 11:47 pm (UTC)
(Link)
I don't feel like the situation was explained well in that letter at all. Or at least it wasn't edited to be clear.

Sometimes children are better off with people not their parents. It's a good mother who can make that decision and really put her children first. I don't know why the woman in the letter gave up her kid, and I don't know why she doesn't feel like she can fix it. I can't think of a possibility that isn't heartbreaking though.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]
From:tatjna
Date:May 30th, 2012 12:23 am (UTC)
(Link)
Likewise. And there's a gigantic gap between the heartbreaking scenarios I can picture and the one that most people have jumped to. ;-/
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]
From:n3m3sis42
Date:May 30th, 2012 04:40 am (UTC)
(Link)
I think it's pretty awful to leave your child, period, regardless of whether you're male or female. With that said, having experienced mommy hormones I do find it harder to understand when a woman does it. Does it make the woman worse than the man? Objectively, no - I just find it harder to "get".

The other double standard that sucks is that single dads are treated like saints and single moms are treated like sluts. That one really bugs me a lot.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]
From:n3m3sis42
Date:May 30th, 2012 04:43 am (UTC)
(Link)
Oh... I guess it's not awful "period" because there are some situations where the kid is just better off in another home or the parent has to leave for his/her own health. But even then, it's still an awful situation. That doesn't mean the parent is a horrible, irredeemable person.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]
From:tatjna
Date:May 30th, 2012 04:44 am (UTC)
(Link)
According to that community, it does.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]
From:gemmagic
Date:May 31st, 2012 04:50 am (UTC)
(Link)
I truly admire you for doing the work you do now, despite your painful past, and I am sorry to hear that it still causes you pain at times. I hope one day I can do something useful in the world too.

I don't judge mums who don't look after their kids any more or less than men who don't. Kids are sometimes better off without one or both of their parents (at least for a time). My darling mother in law left all of her kids with their grandparents at different times. I know it's still very painful for her, and you are right, nobody judges the mother more than she judges herself.

I am preggers at the moment, and of course my objective is to raise the child myself. It's my worst fear to have my baby taken away from me for reasons related to my bipolar and BPD. I don't need to go around judging women who do lose custody of their kids and/or make a decision not to try and get their kids back to try and feel like I'm somehow a better person than them.

I read some of the other threads in that comm too, and some of them are interesting and have funny comments. But yeah, that particular thread, not so much. :S
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]
From:weeweekittie
Date:May 31st, 2012 08:43 pm (UTC)
(Link)
I clicked the link before I read your entry in response to it. My first thought about the letter - and why did I think this? - was that the new husband made the mother give up custody because the ex-husband was causing trouble/causing them distress/engaging in expensive lawsuits/interfering in some harmful way in his quest for custody and they made the decision to move on/move away from him. I don't know where that came from after reading it and then reading people's comments. Some thinking homework for me, I expect.
But for what it's worth, your comments were very articulate, rational and much more thoughtful than most of the others. I'm glad you added your voice to what would otherwise be a horrible lynch mob.
(Reply) (Thread)