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In which my vagina makes you lift heavy things - Tactical Ninja

Apr. 12th, 2012

10:18 am - In which my vagina makes you lift heavy things

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As usual, the comments are vomit-worthy. I restrained myself (barely) from starting something with the commentor who insisted on referring to girls and women as 'females'. That annoys the fuck out of me just saying. Don't do it. *snrl*


We have the "All girls go for douchebags" trope, we have the "But I am kind without expecting sex and they still won't shag me" trope, and we have the "If the coins were actual money, then you'd get somewhere" trope. *yawn*

I particularly liked the tl;dr that can be translated as "I am still butthurt about that time that girl I liked didn't like me in that way", in which he compares relationships with jobs and wonders why he is always passed over for 'promotion' in favour of flashier types who obviously can't do 'the job' as well as he could, if only he was given a chance. This actually turns into a discussion of various companies' hiring procedures, as if that's somehow relevant to how people choose their intimate relationships. And these people wonder why they aren't attractive.. hmm..

One of the comments goes like this:

"No guy wants to genuinely be your friend without having a relationship or sex in mind. It just doesn’t happen."

Um, thanks dude. It's always good to know that 50% of the population doesn't think of me as friendworthy, simply as a potential root. No wait, that's not actually true. YOU don't think of me as anything but a potential root, merely because I have a vagina. Thanks for the warning.

Then there's this one:

"Generally, a friendzone occurs because a woman feigns interest in order to have a guy do something for her. He develops an attraction, and she, having learned to appreciate this guy over time\abuse (through using them), does not respect him due to the door mat personality."

Feigns interest. FEIGNS INTEREST. I do not understand this phrase. I am interested in all my friends, otherwise we wouldn't be friends. This interest is not feigned, it's real. It's not, however, sexual attraction. So I'm assuming that when he says 'feigns interest' he actually means 'feigns sexual attraction'. OK ladies and gents, exactly how many of you have ever pretended you fancy someone to get them to help you move your couch?

*crickets chirping*

Yeah, thought so. So I'm guessing this particular guy is one of those who assumes that when someone shows any kind of interest at all in them, it means they want sex. But only if the person has a vagina, because vaginas = sex, right? So anything anyone with a vagina does is about sex. "Hey, how's it going?" Actually means "Hey *wiggles eyebrows*, how's IT *nudgenudge* going? *wink*" if it comes from a woman (imagine the Benny Hill music playing in the background if you will). And when she says "Hey wanna play Team Fortress for a while?" it actually means "Please come into my bedroom. Bedrooms are where sex happens, ergo I am contemplating sex with you."

If you think people are only about sex, then everything they say and do is about sex. Then if they don't have sex with YOU, they must have been 'feigning interest' because they want you to do something for them. Not, you know, being friendly because they like you. It's apparently impossible for a woman to just like someone, and when she does, it's because she's being duplicitous. Why else would she act so out of character?

I'm surprised this guy even made it to the friendzone to be honest - I'd have him firmly in the fuckoffyoucreepyarseholezone myself.

But back to 'no guy wants to be your friend' dude. He goes on with further pearls of wisdom:

"And for anybody who says they have a genuine friendship w/ the opposite sex and never thought about being in a relationship with them I say this: Even if you didn’t, at some point they did. You’re friends because at some point there was an attraction on one side or the other, or even both. Maybe now you’ve gotten past that attraction and become friends, but it was there at some point."

Ignoring the hetero/gender normativity here, this is something that has occasionally crossed my mind. When people spend a lot of time together, relationships deepen and that's when attractions tend to happen. I've developed attractions for both men and women that I reallyreallylikealot - mostly when I was in my 20s. These days I'm more capable of discerning the difference between the feelings of deep liking and sexual attraction - and when I run through a mental inventory of my friends of all genders, the full spectrum from 'hit it off' to 'deep liking' to 'love' to 'sexually attracted' is covered. I am not sexually attracted to everyone I deeply like, or even to everyone I love. And the group that I'm sexually attracted to isn't confined to those I love - it covers all the spectrum. Those I both love and am sexually attracted to (and thus could consider forming a relationship with) is a very small group indeed - therefore in the worldview of these people, the vast majority of my friendships are actually impossible.

After that foray deep into my navel (I cleaned it, you're safe), I have come to the conclusion that 'no guy wants to be your friend' dude is an immature version of 'all women are about is sex' creepydude, and has yet to work out his own feelings and thus thinks like = sexual attraction.

After reading all this, I'm totally unsurprised that the concept of 'friendzone' exists in the minds of these people. It's just another construct to allow them to frame their experiences with being attracted to people who aren't that into them. I'm not sure what it achieves to be honest - I think Anonymous says it best:

"If it’s obvious that you fancy someone, then isn’t it just as obvious that that someone doesn’t feel the same way? And what do you propose the guy/girl should do? “Listen, we need to talk. I know you’re in love with me but I don’t feel the same way so for your sake I’m ending this friendship”.

Actually, I do propose that. Either the fancier or the fanci-ee should bloody well put on their grownup panties and talk about it. It'd save most of the nasty bullshit that surrounds the idea of friendzoning.


Yes, I know it's Failblog, that bastion of mature discussion that is second only to YouTube comments. However, those are real people at the typing end of them, and those real people make up the zeitgeist we all live in. I don't like living in a zeitgeist in which the friendzone exists because I'm only about sex. So there.

In other news, yesterday's genetic revelation is that I'm approximately 2.7% neanderthal. As is everyone outside of Africa - well actually it's between 1 and 4%. I am the 2.7% Yeeahh!

Comments:

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From:hep
Date:April 11th, 2012 10:42 pm (UTC)
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my friend on fb made a good point: why don't females get to be outraged that men put us in the sex zone? like, sorry, you may not like being in the friendzone, but i don't like being assumed to be used for my vagina over any other potential relationship we might engage in (respected peers, close friends, admired co-worker, etc).
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From:myrrhmade
Date:April 11th, 2012 11:03 pm (UTC)
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Coming to say something like this, only you said it way better.
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From:tatjna
Date:April 11th, 2012 11:29 pm (UTC)
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I suspect the friendzone exists because of the sexzone. Most girls, by the time they are women, realise that they are in the sexzone a lot of the time. They don't like it (I certainly don't want to have sex with everyone I'm friends with) but the reality for many girls is that if they want friends that aren't all female, they have to tolerate being sexzoned. Thus develops this tacit relationship where the woman is perfectly aware she's sexzoned but wants friends* and therefore tries to conduct a friendship as if there's no subtext - which gets interpreted as freindzoning by the man.

Which is why I'm all for people talking about it. It does outrage me - now. As a young woman I just thought that's how it was.

* That's kind of how it felt for me as a young woman anyway. As I've got older I've got better at avoiding the types who would do that to me, and now I have a bunch of friends who aren't offended by the fact that I like them.
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From:tatjna
Date:April 11th, 2012 11:30 pm (UTC)
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Meanwhile, I was reading about an Amish teenager who crashed their buggy into a police car while drunk.
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From:dianavilliers
Date:April 11th, 2012 11:40 pm (UTC)
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What would the Tui sign for that look like?

Clopclopclop *fart*plop
Clopclopclop *fart*plop?
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From:tatjna
Date:April 12th, 2012 08:50 am (UTC)
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What fucks me off is being told what women are like by men. Or by other women for that matter.

Because women and men are such homogenous groups, dontcha know?

But I guess that just goes with the same territory that fucks you off. So I suggest we sit in the corner and mutter together and occasionally throw rocks.
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From:tatjna
Date:April 12th, 2012 08:12 pm (UTC)
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Can I attach the hint to a rock?
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From:tatjna
Date:April 12th, 2012 01:49 am (UTC)
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I think I understand why many people use 'female' and you're right about attempting to sound detached and also avoiding the girl/woman problem - in fact I wrote a post on that very topic once. However, it does tend to be used more in a derogatory context (but that could be because a lot of discussions about women tend to have that context).

On 'the offspring', that is part of an understood set of familial interactions born of familiarity and affection, which includes him calling me 'the mother' and 'mothership' and 'parental unit'. This is again an entirely different context from someone random on the internet referring to a girl or woman as 'a female'.

Finally, I did notice hep using the term 'female' and made a conscious decision not to start something over it - partly because the wording in my post was slightly different when she posted and she may not have understood that I meant "Don't do it" and partly because if she did know and did it anyway to wind me up, I wasn't taking the bait. Either way, no it isn't ok and it annoyed me.

I didn't include a link - it came from Failblog.
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From:tatjna
Date:April 12th, 2012 01:51 am (UTC)
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PS 'offspring' is actually meant to be a noun, 'female' is meant to be an adjective.
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From:bekitty
Date:April 12th, 2012 05:11 am (UTC)
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Jeeeeeebus, there's a lot of misogyny on that site. Argh. o.0
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