I trust you but I don't trust him. Yeah whatever. - Tactical Ninja
Jul. 22nd, 2011
09:37 am - I trust you but I don't trust him. Yeah whatever.
Yes folks, that windchill really is -5. And apparently it's going to stay that way till next Wednesday.
Anyway, this morning Happy linked to this letter on Stuff's agony column. In short, a couple have been married 10 years, the wife has a male friend who has invited her to 'go away' with him to see the rugby. Husband is unimpressed.
If this letter, the replies and the comments are a slice of what the average kiwi makes of such a situation, I now understand yet another of the reasons my marriage failed. Apparently relationships are about control, not love. Let me tell you a story.
I was married once, to a bloke. Typical kiwi bloke in all the right places, yadda yadda yadda. I met him at shearing school, we dated, rest is history.
Now the thing is, he would've responded similarly to most of the comments on there*. And how that attitude played out in our marriage goes like this:
1. Insanely jealous of my gamefishing captain. Apparently the guy only wanted me there so he could shag me. Never mind that I was a good deckie, that we got along well, and that my presence made other female clients feel at ease. Husband's jealousy and assumptions about captain's motivations turned into dislike. Dislike and mistrust was apparent, therefore captain didn't really like husband either, and didn't invite him along very often, oddly enough. You can see how that spiralled out of control really fast. The bottom line was if I wanted to continue pursuing my own interests and friendships I had to piss my husband off. If I wanted to keep my husband happy, I had to lose the friends and interests.
"But Tats! It was only that one situation! You could do other things or have other friends!"
2. My friend Kiri - a lot like me, into active outdoor pursuits, horses, fishing, that sort of thing. We'd go and do stuff together, just the two of us. We'd talk on the phone and hang out in a 'girls together' kind of way. Husband resented the fun I was having with her, decided he didn't like her and that she was 'a bad influence on me' - although it wasn't specified in what way - and that she was a bitch, a slut, and any other insult he could think of. Ultimatum was issued, hilarity ensued.
3. After he'd systematically hated all my friends out of existence, I had no life. He thought I should go out more because I had miraculously become boring, and that I should dress up. So I did. On cue, men notice I'm dressed up, husband gets jealous and starts fights in public. I'm kind of gobsmacked going "But you said .. and I .. and THIS IS NOT MY FAULT!" But of course it was and suddenly I was sleeping with everyone in town. And needed to be punished. I'll spare you the details.
Long story short, I'm here now having a great life surrounded by wonderful people and he's still in Dargaville, driving another woman insane and having the kind of fights you see on the Eminem videos with her. Not me. Thank fuck.
So when I see letters like that one, and it becomes obvious how many people think marriage is about control instead of love, about suspecting motivations instead of desiring your spouse to be happy, about writing to agony aunts instead of communicating openly, I despair. I really am different, and what's 'normal' is fucking horrible.
All you people out there who say "I trust you, it's them I don't trust" - examine yourself. This is bullshit logic. And if you really don't trust your partner, you should perhaps split up with them until you are capable of trusting, of loving, of caring more about your spouse's happiness than your control over their behaviour.
Just be fucking honest with each other, ok?
* My comment is obvious, bet you can find Happy's too if you look. It totally wins.
So I guess a question - are the stuff comments indicative of the thinking of mainstream society? Because if they are, I'm off to be a hipster. Sans ugly glasses because LAZORS!