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In which I throw people around and inspect my navel - Tactical Ninja

Jun. 28th, 2011

09:48 am - In which I throw people around and inspect my navel

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Last night while I was lying in bed in my post-adagio happyfuzzyhaze, I realised that when I live in the middle of town I'll be able to go skating again. That is, I'll be able to go skating without it being a drama involving a car/parking or public transport to get to somewhere I can skate.

I used to skate regularly - little known fact, Wellington had a Wednesday Night Skate for a few years - and I drove in from Titahi Bay for it. When I lived in Ngaio I'd skate to work on the nice days. I still have my Salomons and a shiny new set of abec 5s that I never bothered putting in because commute-skating wrecks your bearings and I wanted to save them for rec skating. Watch me faceplant when I change them! Watch me remember that I used to skate stairs and faceplant some more!

But yes, this is only one of a number of Take Back My Life type things that being central will make easier.


In a conversation yesterday I realised how long my life's been on hold. I mean yes, I have been doing things, serious things - getting a degree, furthering my career, even the occasional trip to foreign shores! But what of the other things - the ones I do just for the hell of it, that make my life My Life? Things I haven't done for a long time that I used to get a huge kick out of include:

Skating
Climbing
Snowboarding
Dancing
Road trips

It wasn't really any one thing but a combination of factors that caused these to fall by the wayside. But I'd be lying if I said Mum's illness wasn't a big part of it. Knowing that someone you love is terminally ill has more than just the impact of knowing you'll lose them - you also have the thing where you might have to rush them off to hospital at any moment, and the thing where you want to spend what time you have with them, and the thing where, much as you hate to admit it to yourself - never mind anyone else - you let things slide because you need your time and headspace for coping, all the while knowing that you are waiting for them to die.

The things that are easiest to let slide are not the big things. It's much easier to let go of your weekly climbing date, or to say no to going to a dance party because you are too tired/don't have time/don't feel up to it/are visiting your Mum. But it's the small things that build together to make a big life, and bring incremental joy in a sustainable way. One big festival a year does not bring the same type of joy as a small string of enjoyable nights out dancing.

It's the little things that I let go of until I had not a lot left of the foundation of my life. Even though Mum was as independent as she could be right till the very end, I still chose to sacrifice my small things in favour of 'looking after' her (and looking after me through it all). Three years is a long time to be not doing the small stuff while stringing yourself from one Big Thing to the next with nothing in between and pretending everything is normal.

So when I recently posted about feeling flat, it set in motion a thought process that led to the realisation that the little things are important and it's time I did something about reclaiming them. This is forcing me to try and remember what brought me joy in small ways, and it's kind of like when someone asked me "What do you want?" and I couldn't answer - I've subsumed my own needs in favour of the other things that needed my attention, and kind of forgotten what they were.

On July 11th it will be a year since Mum died. We have sold her house and that chapter is over. There are times when I miss her like whoah, but I'm coming to terms with being an orphan and I feel that there's plenty in me to keep her memory alive. And it's time I started living my life again. It seems that forcing myself through the barrier to buying property has started a process and things are popping up, like the skating. I haven't thought about skating for ages, and suddenly last night I was all "Hey, imagine being able to just put my skates on and go! Wow, awesome!"

I'm sure more will come. A lovely friend scored $1 lift passes for a bunch of us from one of those daily coupon sites. I'm pretty sure if I tried hard enough I could save the gas/backpacker/hire-charges to go and spend a weekend boarding this winter. There's a weekly bouldering thing getting off the ground. Before moving I have to sort my gear out because I'm moving to an apartment and it's an opportunity to unload some stuff - but I'm keeping my skates, my board, my snowblades, my harness..

I want to Do My Thing again. I think I'm coming back. It's about bloody time.


Last night I lifted Taryn, who is 55kgish, onto both shoulders quite easily. We did a couple of crotch-in-face* type counterbalance moves. I came close to managing a headstand-to-handstand press, and did some nifty weight shifting moves from headstand. The last class is next week and I DEFINITELY want to keep it up. Bodyplay is fun and I am made for this stuff!

(and I learned the left-hand lift moves going against my natural flow with the hoop. progress is awesome and i feel achieve-ey)

* I've come to the conclusion that pretty much all adagio involves crotch-in-face at some point.

Comments:

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From:friggasmuse
Date:June 27th, 2011 09:53 pm (UTC)
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Sorry to hear about your mom; happy to hear how active and vibrant your life is :)
I need more colour in mine.
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From:tatjna
Date:June 27th, 2011 10:03 pm (UTC)
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May I suggest acid green?

(happy will tell you different but it really does go with everything!
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From:thatgirljj
Date:June 27th, 2011 10:01 pm (UTC)
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Yes, crotch in face. Or crotch on the back of someone's head. It's really quite silly.

I had a spectacular accident last night in partner balancing. Spec-tac-u-lar.
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From:tatjna
Date:June 27th, 2011 10:02 pm (UTC)
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Are you going to post about it? Because enquiring minds want to know!
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From:thatgirljj
Date:June 28th, 2011 12:15 am (UTC)
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Yes, when I have a bit more time.
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From:rivet
Date:June 27th, 2011 10:12 pm (UTC)
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This post makes me happy. (No, not Happy, that would be confusing.) Bring on the reclamation of living for yourself!
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From:tatjna
Date:June 27th, 2011 10:15 pm (UTC)
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If you really were Happy, that would create a singularity of awesomeness capable of swallowing the world.

I could think of worse fates..
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From:tatjna
Date:June 27th, 2011 11:25 pm (UTC)
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Of course, all that would only happen if the entity managed to get off the beanbag.
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From:tatjna
Date:June 27th, 2011 11:36 pm (UTC)
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While you and rivet have been distracted with convoluted discussions of complex issues, the rest of us have been quietly amassing a critical mass of beanbags.

Should there be signs of the statistical singularity, you will be quietly whisked away to a beanbag pit, given a sociological problem and a schematic for its solution with a calculation error* in it, and the world will be safe once more.

*estimated half life, 3000 years.
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From:thatgirljj
Date:June 28th, 2011 12:16 am (UTC)
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I like this plan.
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From:helianthas
Date:June 28th, 2011 04:01 am (UTC)
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This post makes me very happy you have reproduced. (Er...: I think you're awesome, and having more people with an aspect of your awesomeness in the world seems like a very good idea to me!)

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From:rantydave
Date:June 27th, 2011 10:17 pm (UTC)
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As a fellow "move to town, try to get my life back"-er I endorse this message fully ... although I don't think I either 'fell' as far or had as far to fall in the first place.

But you haven't been dancing in absolutely ages (and Sandwiches had a revamp that actually made it worse). Rachel used to skate-commute, I like snowboarding... Lots of things.

Welcome back :)
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From:tatjna
Date:June 27th, 2011 10:18 pm (UTC)
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;-)

You moved to town? I didn't know! Where are you?
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From:rantydave
Date:June 28th, 2011 05:57 am (UTC)
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Moving - the weekend between July and August and we're going to be at the very top of Cuba street (the big colourful QBA apartment thing). Will send pics :)
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From:tatjna
Date:June 28th, 2011 06:10 am (UTC)
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Howdy, future sort-of neighbour!
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From:ferrouswheel
Date:June 28th, 2011 12:51 am (UTC)
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Woohoo - I'm all for it!

One thing I'll say though, since I've noticed similar changes in things falling by the wayside that I used to enjoy. Is that we all grow, life circumstances and the novelty of things change. So it's not too surprising that we stop doing some things.

I still like DJing, but I hardly have time/energy for it now. I like staying out dancing all night, but I find myself less keen to lose the next day to recovery. This doesn't mean I don't do them, I just do them more infrequently and selectively nowadays.

And for example, you've since taken up a variety of crafts, are doing adagio, just (tentatively) bought an apartment. These things take up brain space and energy ;-)

Of course, if there are things you are not doing that you want to be, then you totally should start them up again! I guess I'm just saying, don't be too hard on yourself x
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From:tatjna
Date:June 28th, 2011 12:56 am (UTC)
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Did I mention that you are one of the things that brings me daily happiness?

I think it's important to differentiate between things you stop doing because you've chosen to or because you have opted for a different path, and things you stop doing because of external circumstances, or that fall by the wayside even though you like them because something else is taking up that space. I kind of see skating as being in the second category - I couldn't skate in from my last two houses, and deliberately going into town in my car so I could skate seemed wasteful! And I'm looking forward to it being an option again.

But yes, there are plenty of things I'm doing, but it has felt a bit unbalanced toward sedentary/complacent activities, and I've been feeling a need for more active stuff lately.

Will you come skating with me?
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From:clashfan
Date:June 28th, 2011 01:15 am (UTC)
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZIFknAdVvNM
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From:ferrouswheel
Date:June 28th, 2011 02:04 am (UTC)
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I might try to skate, but I was always horribly bad at it.

BMXing on the other hand...
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From:tatjna
Date:June 28th, 2011 02:07 am (UTC)
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.. which I am totally shite at.

I will if you will! ;-)
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From:plantgirl
Date:June 30th, 2011 01:05 am (UTC)
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But it's the small things that build together to make a big life, and bring incremental joy in a sustainable way.

Yes!

I'm tempted to use a variation of this as my "quote for today." May I? If so, how would you like your attribution? Over easy? Rare?
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From:tatjna
Date:June 30th, 2011 01:14 am (UTC)
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Blue. ;-)

And by all means - although I doubt I'm the first person to say it.
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